One Toe Into The Inky Pool Of Madness

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Memo to Phil Kidd: YOU ARE CRAZY DUMB.

I cover a lot of fucked up shit on this site. Shit that has run the gamut from an attempt to ignite ice cream all the way to our national dalliance with publicly-sanctioned torture. I even covered Sean Hannity's conservative dating website once, and watched an entire Dane Cook special just to see if I could. My point is, I have a very, very, very high tolerance for the world of the stupid, the crazy, and the ugly.

So keep that in mind when I say this - I will only touch a very small part of jesus-is-savior.com with the longest metaphorical pole I can muster. Seriously. That place is like staring into the oozing abscess in the brain of a lobotomized Lovecraftian Old One, if that Old One had taken a single web design class in 1997. I often say "don't go" with the full knowledge, and full intent, that you'll all fucking go anyway, but in the interest of truly dissuading you from this kaleidoscopic Hell-on-Web, allow me to give you just the text of the first few links on the site. Seriously, it looks like a space clown exploded all over the Drudge Report. Don't go.

"How to Go to Heaven - False Religion - Doctrine - The Evolution Hoax - TruthNews - Infowars - Information for Parents - Truth About 911 - WND - Terri Schiavo-Murdered! - End of the World - Women's Page - Men's - The Devil's Music"

That is the list at the upper left of the page's HEADER. Before the page proper starts. There are TWENTY NINE screen lengths below that (and I run a high-res desktop), most of it four columns wide. I cannot fucking deal with that. I'd have to start a whole new daily column just focusing on that, and do that for five years, and at the end I'd probably go native, yell at all my friends about how the bastards murdered Terri Schiavo because she planted the bombs in the World Trade Center, and probably smell like I'd shit my own pants all the time... because I had.

So in lieu of that, which none of us would enjoy, I will instead plot a slingshot course around the incredibly dense mass that is jesus-is-savior.com, hoping that the velocity I build up will help us all escape its pull. My means to this end is an article of unknown temporal provenance by "Dr." Phil Kidd, psycho Baptist and traveling evangelist, entitled "Hey Lady Shut Up!"

The first thing you need to know about this article is that it's not directed at a specific lady. Not Oprah, or Janeane Garofalo, or Nancy Pelosi. No, the "Lady" in the title is a stand-in for the entire female gender. If you have ovaries, Dr. Phil Kidd has determined the biblical basis for you all, collectively, to shut your girly face-holes and keep them shut. If you are already the exact opposite of charmed, it gets better.

The good news is, Phil Kidd is primarily concerned here with what women say while in church. The better news is, Kidd clearly lays out the times when it is at all appropriate for the penis-deprived* to make use of their larynxes while under Manly Yahweh's Roof. They can say "Praise The Lord", they can say "Jesus is my savior", and they can confess any bad stuff they've done so that the members of the church can hear it, grant their forgiveness, then go home and furiously masturbate to the resultant imagery. Normally I would not mention outright that the last bit is my own reading of things, but once you've seen stuff like this, you take NOTHING for granted.

Having spent a few sentences explaining what women CAN say, he unsurprisingly goes into much greater detail about what women CAN'T say. Have a problem with the man-church, and all the church-men, having authority and sway over your womanly girlness? Tough shit. You need to shut up so that we stop making people gay. And now you think I'm fucking with you. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"What a sad day, seeing woman open the bible and expound the scriptures. Eve, in the Garden of Eden, in a perfect surrounding could not even quote on verse correct. I sure would not trust a woman to expound truth in this sin cursed mess we live in. Some sorry Baptist Churches are now letting woman teach men and boys classes. No wonder America has turned "Sodomite". Too many young men have had too many woman as their voice of authority."

I would ask someone to explain to me, theologically, how Eve in the Garden of Eden could be expected to know any of the verses of the Bible in the first place, since 99% of it post-dates her, but I think it's best for even my generally negative view of religion that none of you relatively sane believer-types give me any cause to believe that anything Phil Kidd says makes any goddamned sense whatsoever.

He then goes on to reiterate that women have no place running the church, and also, if women have a problem with the church's standards for modest dress, then, well, they can shut up about that too. Now, I conceivably could understand Phil Kidd being upset at Baptist churches chock-full of tube tops, Daisy Duke shorts, exposed tramp-stamps that misspell "Budweiser", and excessive use of Satan's Decorating Tool, the Bedazzler. But Kidd's sanity trigger got pulled a lot earlier than that, in another instance where only an ACTUAL QUOTE will suffice:

" have personally seen that in a large percentage of churches, the long tongued, rebellious, bobbed-haired, preacher-hating, pants-wearing, liberal-minded women have determined the standard of dress for the church. The cowardly preacher is afraid to cross this group. He knows if he does, these loud-mouthed women will take their weak husbands and go to another church. Sadly, most woman pull their hair, grit their teeth, and even yell back when the preacher deals with modest dress. Some will even get mad just reading this article. I say to you, SHUT UP!"

Bobbed hair and pants? The fuck? Between this and George Will's broadside against Demon Denim, I'm starting to think that the secret goal of the thwarted American theocracy is a national dress code. Anyway, the best part about Phil Kidd's woman-hating article is that he hates women so much, he can't even give them credit for being responsible for their own wicked hair-bobbing, pants-wearing, Bible-reciting, church-organizing behavior. No, that's the fault of their... wait for it... LAZY HUSBANDS who refuse to keep their God Hand strong and keep their wives in their womanly role.

And he ends it, if you can believe it, by urging women to remarry a properly oppressive man when their "sorry husband" up and dies. Once again, I must insist that I shit you not. And this, by jesus-is-savior.com standards, is one of the most sane and well-thought-out articles on the entire site. I've just barely scratched the surface here, and already I have some idea what it must be like to be a snake at a Pentecostal service. Perhaps someday I will return, but not after I've taken a long break mocking some normal folks like Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney.

*A phrase I mean in the strictest anatomical sense, of course.