The Great Matching Effort

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Memo to Frank Gaffney: YES, YOU ARE DUMB TOO.

Call me a collectivist if you will, but sometimes there is an effort so great that only by working together can we achieve it. And so it is with mocking Frank Gaffney for his recent Washington Times column. Lots of blogs have covered it. The guys at Sadly, No - the closest thing on the Internet to what I do here - took a few swings at it. But Frank Gaffney went to an extraordinary effort to say some of the stupidest, most inflammatory things that have been seen in print about President Obama since the election. It's only right that a similar effort go into mocking him and calling him funny names for it.

First, the establishing shot, if you will. Frank Gaffney is a nutcase. He's the president of the "Center For Security Policy", which, if you're familiar with classical think-tank nomenclature, translates to "The Center For Nuking Everything Around Israel Until It Turns To Radioactive Glass, And Put Some Big Fans On The Border So That All The Jews Don't Become Mutants". Gaffney has starred in a You Are Dumb column once before, back in 2007, when he criticized Condoleeza Rice for engaging in peace talks with both the Israelis and Palestinians. Two years ago, he accused Condi of planning to rape Israel the way Neville Chamberlain raped Czechoslovakia.

Needless to say, that incredibly offensive charge laid at the feet of an African-American diplomat did not prove even remotely true or realistic. And that is why, two years later, Frank Gaffney is STILL writing things for the Washington Times like this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich."

You stupid, stupid fuck. Two years ago, I told you to get a new goddamned analogy, because I was sick to death, then sick to reincarnation, then sick to death AGAIN of people comparing any peaceful overture to appeasing Hitler. Did he listen? Of course he didn't listen. Frank Gaffney would never listen to little old me, because my name's not Benjamin Netanyahu. The latest attempt to unleash Hitler's reanimated corpse upon the world through diplomacy is, of course, Obama's Cairo speech, which has inspired a mountain of crazy in the past week. A mountain that Gaffney singlehandedly dwarfed with some kind of large, moon-sized construct. Call it the Dumb Star:

"With Mr. Obama's unbelievably ballyhooed address in Cairo Thursday to what he calls "the Muslim world" (hereafter known as 'the Speech'), there is mounting evidence that the president not only identifies with Muslims, but actually may still be one himself. Here, in one simple sentence, Gaffney not only digs up the debunked Secret Muslim stuff from the campaign, but actually attempts to resuscitate it with bullshit "evidence" from the speech. Which I will summarize and laugh at thusly:

Obama called it "The Holy Koran" - Gaffney claims this is rare for non-Muslims. I don't think that's actually true, but that may just be because I reject any claim Frank Gaffney makes automatically. Still, non-Christians use the phrase "Holy Bible" all the time. Christians print it on the cover like it's the title, after all. And Obama's not just any non-Muslim. He's a non-Muslim going out of his way to appeal to the general, non-radicalized Islamic population of the world. Frank Gaffney doesn't take this into account because Frank Gaffney doesn't recognize the existence of a non-radicalized Islamic population, because he's a pants-pissing, jingoistic bigoted asswipe.

Obama said Islam was "revealed". - Again, in Frank Gaffney's world, one can not adopt the turns of phrase of one's audience without somehow outing yourself as a secret member of that audience. I mean, there are only centuries of political oratory tradition that have honed this very technique. There's no way an established master of political oratory like Obama would know about those techniques and use them. No, it's much more likely that Obama, having successfully hidden his Muslimitude from the American public during a grueling 18 month campaign, would accidentally slip a few "revealing" tells into his Cairo speech. And that Frank Gaffney would be the only one clever enough to catch them.

Obama lumped Jesus in with Moses and Mohammed! Any proper Christian would, when speaking to the entire Muslim world not equate the three, but instead place Jesus in his rightful divine place, much much much better than the other two. Plus, Obama said "peace be unto them", which is something only Muslims ever say. And yes, technically, this point is exactly the same as Gaffney's other two points - that Obama, in a speech designed to mend fences with an Islamic audience, used phrasings and constructions that they would appreciate and understand, instead of lording it over them or, even better, just dropping bombs on them the way Dubya did because that worked out so fucking great.

Lest you think that Secret Muslim is the only election-era conspiracy theory to which Frank Gaffney subscribes, allow me to correct that impression with a parenthetical aside so completely bugfuck wingnut tinfoil-hat that it could spawn its own column or two if I thought any of us could take that. ANOTHER ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"(Who knows? By the time Mr. Obama's friends in the radical Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now (ACORN) perpetrate their trademark books-cooking as deputy 2010 census takers, the official count may well claim considerably more than 7 million Muslims are living here.)"

Someone should cast that sentence in bronze so that when the aliens come, and they wonder what happened to the dominant species here, they can find that bronzed sentence, translate it into their alien tongue, and realize that we all died off because nobody was smart enough or bold enough to drag Frank Gaffney off to an institution and forcibly treat his psychosis. I can only hope some shred of the Internet also survives, and the aliens will know that some of us really thought that was a good idea.