Loose Ends And Looser N's.

« June 2009 »

Memo to Bill O'Reilly, Allergan, and Chuck Grassley: YOU ARE DUMB.

Lots of loose ends to tie up this week - flotsam, jetsam, lorem and ipsum. So once again, it's time for the traditional compendium of smaller idiocies known as SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Bill O'Reilly desperately wants to know why the pro-life asshole who shot an abortion doctor to death is getting more attention than the Muslim asshole who shot an Army recruiter to death. Well, he doesn't really want to know. Bill O'Reilly has never desperately wanted to know anything, unless you mean in the Biblical sense. Which does not count as intellectual curiosity, in case you were wondering. No, he's just setting up the usual bullshit false equivalency, which I will now puncture, because that's what I do.

The Army is still recruiting. The Army still has plenty of recruiters in plenty of locations in all 50 states doing their vitally important job of encouraging service-minded youths of above-average intelligence and a drive for leadership that the Army is a good choice for them, and doing so without lying to them or misleading them at all*. So while Private Long's murder was tragic, and pretty much an act of terrorism, it wasn't the game-changer that Dr. Tiller's murder was, because there are a lot fewer OB-GYNs performing late-term abortions than there are Army recruiters.

Tiller's family has closed his Kansas clinic as a result of the shooting. This leaves two clinics providing late-term abortions in America. So Bill, for your false equivalency to become a true equivalency, terrorists would have to blow up one third of the Army recruiting stations in America. Until then, eat shit.

Women! Are you jealous of Viagra, Cialis, and Rogaine? Do you long for a needless pharmaceutical you could take for purely cosmetic reasons, without the pesky birth-control side effects of Yaz? Well envy no longer, because Allergan, the makers of Juviderm brand gunk you inject into your face and Natrelle brand breast implants to give you the honkers God neglected to provide, is now marketing Latisse.

What is Latisse, you ask? It's a glaucoma drug whose side effect happened to be the treatment of hypotrichosis. And what, you ask, is hypotrichosis? Funny you should ask. It's the name they gave to the fake disease where you think your eyelashes need to be longer and fuller. Latisse grows eyelashes. So move over, Bob Dole's limp penis! Now Brooke Shields is promoting pharmaceutical mascara! Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline, and maybe it'll darken your eyelids and mess with your eye pressure on account of it being FUCKING GLAUCOMA MEDICINE.

I have mentioned in the past that Twitter is bullshit. And in the never-ending series of followups I call "I Was Right", I present to you the tweets of Chuck Grassley. ACTUAL TWEET TIME!

"Pres Obama while u sightseeing u said 'time to delivr on healthcare' When u are a "hammer" you think evrything is NAIL I'm no NAIL"

"Pres Obama you got nerve while u sightseeing in Paris to tell us"time to deliver" on healthcare. We still on skedul/even workinWKEND."

First, this didn't need to be said at all. Second, it didn't need to be said twice. Third, it didn't need to be said twice with 140 characters per attempt. And fourth, motherfucker, you are a SITTING UNITED STATES SENATOR. The fact that you abbreviated like this is embarrassing, and the fact that you didn't even abbreviate consistently, and got under your 140 characters in such strange and bizarre ways is even more embarrassing. In a just world, these two tweets would murder political Twittering in its sleep. We do not, as I perhaps have said, live in a just world.

*I said they had plenty that do this. They also have plenty that do... other things.