Just Thinking About The Weather

« June 2009 »

Memo to Joe Barton, Todd Akin, S. T. Karnick, and Shia LeBouf: YOU ARE DUMB.

What is it with stupid people? Don't they realize it's hot and humid in Minneapolis? Don't they know there are things I'd rather be doing than sitting in the corner of my home where all the heat-generating equipment lives, making fun of them? You'd think they could be a little considerate and spend some time not being IDIOTS, but they can't, and since they've SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS and it's Wednesday, it is my obligation, nay, my duty, to respond. And since it's so fucking hot, let's make it a global warming special.

"And something that the Democrat sponsors do not point out, a lot of the CO2 that is created in the United States is naturally created. You can’t regulate God. Not even the Democratic majority in the US Congress can regulate God." - Texas congressman Joe Barton, who is fast becoming a regular honoree of this site. Inhofe better watch his back.

Assuming for the moment that Joe Barton's God exists, and behaves the way Joe Barton says he does, then we, as a nation, regulate God all the time. Grass is naturally created, but the city can still tell you to mow your lawn. Snow is naturally created, but I don't see Joe Barton pushing for us to take our fucking chances and abandon plowing. And to hear most people tell it, our current version of marriage was created by God Himself, and we seem to be willing to regulate that more than we even need to.

Of course, even if we couldn't regulate God, we could still regulate the human-invented industrial burning of epic shitloads of coal and oil. But that's so fucking obvious to everyone except fossil fuel whores like Barton that it's barely worth saying anymore.

"This whole thing strikes me if it weren’t so serious as being a comedy you know. I mean, we just went from winter to spring. In Missouri when we go from winter to spring, that’s a good climate change. I don’t want to stop that climate change you know. Who in the world want to put politicians in charge of the weather anyways? What a dumb idea." - Missouri congressman Todd Akin, doing his state's educational system proud.

It's not that we want to put politicians in charge of the weather, dipshit. Politicians are already in charge of the weather. You're in charge of the weather right now, which should terrify all of us. Luckily, you're an outnumbered asshole in a heavily Democratic House of Representatives, so the amount of influence your moronic inaction and inexplicably irrelevant paeans to Missouri seasons has on our future survival is minimal for now.

Also, I know I'm getting to this quote a couple of weeks late, but on June 2nd, Missouri "just" went from winter to spring? Maybe Missouri should send representatives to Congress who know what goddamned month it is, and then maybe we'll let them weigh in on climate change, OK?

"Moreover, there is actually a very good, important, and timely thought in Land of the Lost. In a very amusing way, the film satirizes the current-day perversion of science in which claims of consensus are used as a blunt instrument to shout down opposing ideas." - S. T. Karnick, one of Big Hollywood's many bloggers who are neither big nor Hollywood.

No real joke here, I just wanted to idly mention that S. T. Karnick turned to "Land Of The Lost" to find vindication for global warming denial, creationism, and for some reason, whether or not the speed of light is a constant. No, I don't understand that last one either, unless he thinks "the speed of light" is how long it takes between hearing a concept and the light bulb above your head turning off. In which case it ain't the Doppler effect that makes everyone else's seem that much faster, dude.

"I don't mess with the Wii, to be honest with you. It's kind of an amateur console. I'm not into the Wii thing. This is how in a simple way you can find out if it's a gamer you want to play with. Ask them if they have a Wii. If they say yes, get the fuck out of there." - Shia LaBeouf, not talking about global warming, but I don't care, because this is a special bonus quote.

Holy shit. What possible Wii game could LeBeouf have experienced that traumatized him so deeply that he's decided to write off the machine the media runs on? It must have been really, really bad, because I saw Transformers, and afterwords, when I went near a movie theater, I didn't ask them if they had PROJECTORS, and if they said yes, gotten the fuck out of there. I just avoided shitty giant robot movies with Shia LeBeouf in them.

About the only way to make LeBeouf's advice make any sense at all is to replace the word "gamer" you mean "man", replace "play with" with "have sex with", and replace "Wii" with "Transformers on Blu-Ray". At least that advice helps the species evolve, and possibly stop creating douchebag mother-fetishists like LeBeouf.