The New And Improved Wacko Jacko

« July 2009 »

Memo to Victoria Jackson: YOU ARE EPIC.

We may not be able to crown a new King of Pop just yet, but clearly, the moniker "Wacko Jacko" demands a living, breathing body in the role, because the universe has conveniently provided us with a new and similarly-bleached Jackson to bring the crazy. Yes, it's Saturday Night Live And Nothing Else alum Victoria Jackson, who has vaulted from her previous status as a mere idiot who said a damndest thing once into full-blown Epic Moron status with a pair of articles for, who else, Big Hollywood.

Victoria Jackson is painfully dumb. I don't mean that as hyperbole. I mean that reading what she writes makes you feel physical pain. You actually wince. Watching her do political commentary is like watching a Wipeout contestant - one of the particularly slow and irritating ones - accidentally competing in the Olympic decathlon. They're woefully out of their depth, yet they maintain their whooping bravado even after they've impaled themselves on their vault-pole and are hanging there, wondering when the fuck they're going to bring the gold medal over.

Her first astonishing treatise is entitled "President Obama and the 'C' Word", which offers up a straight line so obvious that even Jackson must have done it on purpose. The 'C' word she means, of course, is COMMUNISM. And she opens with a bit of brazen, unsourced credit-taking that will, I promise you, take your breath away. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, they are finally starting to use it. I think you might remember I was the first. I bravely spoke it to the Hollywood Congress of Republicans (October, 2008), who put it on the Internet; and then I spoke it on O’Reilly and Hannity. My husband scolded me. He said no one would take me seriously if I was such an alarmist. I got hate mail. I lost friends. I probably lost jobs. I didn’t want to be mean. It really isn’t mean. It’s probably a compliment to the President since he likes to quote his Marxist professors, and by his own words and actions is trying his very best to “change” our country from Capitalist to Communist. I kept repeating, 'but Karl Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto, so what’s the difference between Marxist and Communist?' No one had an answer."

See? You're wincing right now. We both know it. I could spend an entire theme week unpacking the crazy in this single paragraph. But I'll try to be brief. No, at no point in the article does she actually say who "they" are, or give examples of them using it. No, there's no way in sweet fucking hell that in October of 2008, Victoria Jackson was the first person to call Barack Obama a Communist. No, I have no idea who Victoria's husband is, or why he hasn't fled screaming across the country, a question we will explore in more detail shortly. Yes, it's hilarious that she has to qualify "lost jobs" with "probably", as if her brain instinctively knows that going from zero jobs to still zero jobs is not a net loss. No, I don't know which Marxist professors she's talking about, and yes, if some crazy blonde woman from SNL repeated "Karl Marx" over and over to me in that nails-on-blackboard voice that I always thought was a put-on, I wouldn't have an answer for her, either.

The truly terrifying thing about Victoria Jackson's writing isn't the crazy, although it is very, very, very crazy. No, the terrifying part is its non-stop flirtation with accidental self-awareness. If I believed in the supernatural, I'd have to conclude that in a Twilight Zone moment, the "real" Victoria Jackson swapped places with her SNL character, and is no longer the dominant personality. Struggling to break free, all it can do is sneak a few words through as she types her latest Big Hollywood missive. What other explanation is there for this list of actual quotes?

  • "I am a beginner political activist. I’m doing everything wrong too, but at least I’m doing."
  • "Sigh. I read 1984 by George Orwell twice and it seems to be coming true."
  • "I got into my fuel efficient economy car, with the leopard seat covers, and the bumper that used to have the “I RESIST SOCIALISM” bumper sticker, until it got smashed, and I drove away thinking Ignorance is Bliss.'"
  • "I didn’t threaten her life, I was just trying to be emphatic! I just meant that if she eliminates conservative and Christian talk radio, all that will be left will be Howard Stern, and filth, and porn, and everything will be dark and bad, and icky!"

That last bit is an example of the most cringe-worthy aspect of Jackson's writing. She recounts situations that she clearly think will make you take her side. But every one of the situations just makes even more painfully obvious how bugfuck she is. In this example, she's trying to explain to her husband that when she called Nancy Pelosi's office and left a message saying that if Congress brought back the Fairness Doctrine, Pelosi would "be sorry". Never mind that nobody's trying to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. Never mind that bringing back the Fairness Doctrine wouldn't eliminate conservative and Christian talk radio. She accidentally threatened the life of the Speaker of the House in an attempt to be "emphatic", and she's wondering why she can't get anyone on board her bandwagon of one. And she wouldn't have even known she'd done it if her husband hadn't heard her and told her.

In her second article, "Down Is Up, Unfair Is Fair, Ignorance Is Bliss"*, she recounts a conversation at a bookstore that starts with her apologizing for not buying anything because her husband says they have no money, and ends with her trying to convince three stunned clerks that Obama kills babies, will determine the length of your shower, and decide who lives and who dies. I SHIT YOU NOT. This is insanity, folks. Everyone knows that if you want to spend ten minutes spewing your political delusions at three Barnes And Noble employees, you at least should have the common decency to buy a damn book. Jackson's lucky that retail clerks don't get to decide who lives and who dies.

And again, by the way, there's her husband. I know that she's an unreliable witness, but I swear, in the subtext, she paints a vivid picture of a desperate man, trying and failing to keep his wife's recent descent into political madness from leading to career suicide, social stigma, and jail time. I don't know the guy. He could be the world's biggest asshole, for all I know. But he'd have to be a pretty awful human being to deserve the shit his own wife describes him having to put up with.

Like a smaller, sadder version of the late Michael Jackson, we can feel a bit wistful and sad about Victoria Jackson's transition from respected 80's artist to complete fucking lunatic. The whole thing would be tragic, if her body of work hadn't been, you know. Mediocre at best. So let's enjoy the trials and tribulations of the new Wacko Jacko while we can, and hope that the whole mess doesn't become too dark, bad, or icky.


*A title that proves that while she may have READ 1984 twice, she certainly didn't understand it.