Can't Spell Pat Buchanan Without... Puch

« July 2009 »

Memo to Pat Buchanan: FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Before I thought better of it, the title of today's column was going to be simply, "Fuck You, Pat Buchanan". But that's the underlying theme. Pat Buchanan has always sucked, and sucked hard, but over the course of this year, events have conspired to reveal a disturbing fact: Pat Buchanan is the single biggest racist with a regular TV gig.

Pat's a bigger racist than Lou Dobbs, who thinks that Mexican immigrants are infecting us with leprosy. He's a bigger racist than Bill O'Reilly, who was astonished that black people behave like human beings in restaurants. Glenn Beck? Glenn Beck's a poseur. Everything he learned about standing up for white male privilege he learned from the master, Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan loves white people. In fact, the only people he loves more than white people are other white people who really love other white people. Pat Buchanan loves Peter Brimelow, for example. Peter Brimelow, a self-proclaimed "white nationalist" who runs, an anti-immigrant website unironically named after the first white child born in America. Fucking charming fellow. He and Buchanan are buds. Buchanan invites him to speak on all kinds of topics, like how the Republicans can gain ground in elections by promoting English-only legislation.

Of course, when they were discussing this very important topic, they were doing it under a banner labeled "2009 National Conferenece". Proving once again that racists love accidental irony almost as much as they love white people.

But what got Buchanan's racism whipped into a thick, white mouth-froth was Obama's nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Buchanan was furious that a white male wasn't given the position, and attacked Sotomayor for admitting she benefited from affirmative action to get into Princeton. Of course, once Sotomayor got into Princeton, she ended up at the top of her class, proving the worth of affirmative action in the first place, but Buchanan couldn't see that, because Pat Buchanan is the biggest fucking racist on television.

The Sotomayor thing got Buchanan's white panties in such a white knot that Rachel Maddow got him to say the single most racist thing I've heard on cable news in a long time. You've probably seen this by now, but if you haven't, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well, I think white men were 100% of the people who wrote the Constitution, 100% of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence, 100% of the people who died at Gettysburg and Vicksburg, probably close to 100% of the people who died at Normandy. This has been a country built, basically, by white folks in this country, who were 90% of the entire nation in 1960, when I was growing up, Rachel. And the other 10% were African Americans who had been discriminated against. That's why." - Pat Buchanan, explaining to Maddow why 108 out of 110 Supreme Court justices were white.

Call it the Buchanan doctrine of white exceptionalism, if you will. In much the same way that people claim that the founders were Christian, therefore America is a Christian nation, therefore Christians should get to have things their way forever and ever, Buchanan knows in his heart that America is a white nation, and that the slaughter of Native Americans, the enslavement of blacks, the indentured servitude of Hispanics and Asians, and the systematic racism and oppression of all minorities that followed were just part of how Pat Buchanan's America, white America, earned its place on top of the world.

And who pays Pat Buchanan to be the biggest fucking racist on television? MSNBC, the network that gets to wear the "liberal" label because it employs one liberal (Maddow), one Bush-hating moderate (Olbermann), and one middle-class populist (Ed Schulz*) for three hours a day of its programming, while also paying racists like Buchanan, assholes like Scarborough, and morons like Potato Head to fill the parts of their schedule not devoted to lurid prison documentaries. Go Team Liberal Media!

Fuck Pat Buchanan. He's Archie Bunker without the lovable subtlety. He's one pair of clean sheets away from joining the Klan. Pat Buchanan is why white liberals feel white liberal guilt. Put his lily-white ass out to pasture and let the "white nationalist" Internet nutjobs pay his bills. Just because he has the right to say racist shit doesn't mean that news organizations with delusions of respectability need to pay him to say it.

*Although in Schulz' defense, he's one of the few middle-class populists out there who isn't also a rabid racist, so give him credit for that.