« August 2009 »

Memo to Kent Hovind, Rodell Vereen, and John Nolte: YOU ARE DUMB.

If it seems like old times here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, it's usually for one of two reasons. One, I've been doing this so long that some repetition is inevitable. Or two, I embrace the fact that repetition is inevitable and use it as a thematic device to hold together a SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Hey, remember "Dinosaur Adventure Land"? The creationist amusement park down in Pensacola, Fla? Well, I hope Kent Hovind, the park's owner, remembers it, because soon those memories are all he'll have left.

Yes, Dinosaur Adventure Land is being seized by the government to pay off Hovind's debts. And the best part? It's not even the result of George Bush treating the economy like a frat boy treats a toilet bowl on Sunday morning. As you may recall (or may not, I'd forgotten about it myself), Kent Hovind is rotting in a South Carolina jail, where he's been talking to God and serving time for, oh, not paying his taxes ever. Which isn't terribly surprising - what else is a creationist if not an ultraconservative who can't do math? Anyway, Hovind still owes the government half a million dollars, and so Dinosaur Adventure Land is going to be public property any day now.

Personally, I hope the government does right by Dinosaur Adventure Land, and builds a memorial on the site to the billions and billions of brain cells that died there in the past few years. Future generations can look on it, and swear that this mental genocide will never happen again. Assuming the other creation museum is gone by then, I suppose.

And speaking of fuckers in jail in South Carolina, Rodell Vereen. Rodell Vereen is a horse-fucker, so you know I'd have to talk about him eventually. It's just that with one key exception, he's a lot less interesting than, say, a Pinyan, mainly on account of him surviving, mainly on account of him being the fucker, not the fuckee.

That key exception? Rodell got caught fucking the same horse he got caught fucking last year. That he was ordered to stay away from as part of his probation. That's just stupid, even by horsefucking standards. You've already been sentenced for a severe violation of mare-time law. You don't return to the scene of the crime and start stacking hay bales. And don't give me any of that bullshit "the heart wants what it wants" you people pulled with Mark Sanford, either. I don't care if the mistress is Argentine or equine, you're gonna get caught.

And finally, a topic that I've never covered before, but only because this column wasn't around in 1988. The usual sources are sending out the usual furious alerts that your tax money, via Obama's stimulus package, is being used to pay for PORNOGRAPHY! And if you hear conservatives bitching about government sponsorship of pornography, you know we're talking about the National Endowment for the Arts. John Nolte, who has a whole lot of free time on his hands even by Big Hollywood standards, picked up the ball and ran with it. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"So “for the children” I ask my friends on the left for the children to embrace this new spirit of bi-partisanship for the children and let us come together for the children, dismantle the NEA for the children, and use this money for the children." - John Nolte, in his new regular feature, Incredibly Awkward Construction Theater.

What's the porn? Well, first, out of the $787 billion in stimulus money, $50,000 went to a movie house in San Francisco, which, on one night in June, showed a gonzo "porno horror film" from 1975 called "Thundercrack". Which means it's not porn, it's historical curiosity, even if it has people fucking in it. Now, assuming the fifty grand in stimulus money was meant to last a year, that's $137.00 out of $787 billion in stimulus money going to fund something that's not even porno. Awesome.

The other "porn" is even less porny. A stage show called "Perverts Night Out", which I'm sure is just leather corsets and maybe a bare titty or two, and "The Symmetry Project", a performance art piece with naked people writhing around a bit. The perverts got $25,000, and no, the weekly perv thing isn't all that they do. The money went toward salaries. Oh, and the writhing naked people got $25,000 too, or sort of did. The Fox News report said that the project is "likely to get a boost from" the stimulus funding, which is remarkably subtle character assassination and yellow journalism by Fox standards.

None of this stuff is really porn, but I can only assume John Nolte is applying the classic definition of obscenity here. He couldn't tell you what it is, he just knows he masturbates to it when he sees it. Which means it's a good thing Bill O'Reilly didn't get any stimulus money.