Imagine If He'd Mentioned A Popsicle Stick

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First, some blatant self-promotion. If you've checked out my food blog, Forkbastard in the past, and decided that you didn't give a flying fuck what I did with basil from the farmer's market, you still might enjoy this entry, in which I discuss my deep and abiding hatred for Guy Fieri.

And now, our feature presentation. One was a writer on the edge, searching for his identity. One was an editor, searching for a clue. And one was a different editor, searching for an excuse to take offense. They may not find what they're looking for, but this summer, they'll find... each other. From the man who brought you Idiots Say The Damndest Things, it's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. In browsers now.

I am not a Birther. Which is not to say that I think the question of Barack Obama’s US citizenship has in anyway been adequately answered, it has scarcely even been addressed other than through sneers and accusations of racism (and yes, a Certificate of Live Birth and several conflicting CNN statements…). - Jeremy D. Boreing, Big Hollywood, who, I will admit, has a lot of balls to be posting shit this stupid to the Internet with a last name like that..

I am not a writer. Which is not to say that I don't think of words and sentences that convey thoughts and ideas, and express those thoughts through the medium of prose. Of course you're a fucking birther, dipshit! A birther is someone who thinks the question of Obama's citizenship hasn't been adequately answered by a Hawaii Certificate of Live Birth. It's not our fault that birthers are crazy motherfuckers that you don't want to associate with. Tough titties. You don't get to create some magical group of rational people with legitimate questions about Obama's origin, then assign yourself to that group, and then, as Boreing does, go on to insist that it's Obama's fault people think this stuff, because he's clearly not "one of us". But not in a racial way.

People such as scientist Stephen Hawking wouldn't have a chance in the U.K., where the National Health Service would say the life of this brilliant man, because of his physical handicaps, is essentially worthless." - Investors Business Daily, in an editorial.

Stephen Hawking, of course, is British.

The reason this quote is simultaneously compelling and revolting is that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what the worst part of it is. Is it the blatant disregard for fact-checking? The insanely jingoistic assumption that Hawking is American because we produce the world's greatest scientists? The very real possibility that whoever wrote this for Investors Business Daily assumed that Hawking wasn't British because he doesn't speak with an English accent?! Or the fact that its not even in the five most retarded things said about the health care debate in the past week? I can't decide. I can just sit back and marvel at it for the same reason Stephen Hawking marvels at a black hole. It just sucks so damn hard.

"Either way, had Biden used the name Mohammed in this manner, Muslims would be crying foul. Quite possibly rioting in the streets, to boot. And if the vice president had used 'gay' or 'Black' as swear words, folks would be rightfully angry about that, too. Hate speech is hate speech, whether it is aimed at Christians, Muslims, Gays, or African-Americans." - Mark Tapscott, editor, Washington Examiner, criticizing Joe Biden.

I'm not familiar with the Washington Examiner, and have to assume, based on this quote, that it's even worse than the Washington Times, because Mark Tapscott is clearly too dumb even for the Moonies. I know this, because I know what Joe Biden said. So, for Tapscott's benefit, here's a special, clarifying edition of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I can see Putin sitting in Moscow saying, 'Jesus Christ, Iran gets the nuclear weapon, who goes first?' Moscow, not Washington."

What this quote shows is that Mark Tapscott is the new king of false equivalency. First is the equivalency of using Jesus Christ as an epithet, for which there is hundreds and hundreds of years of cultural precedent, to using "Mohammed" as an epithet, which I'm pretty sure nobody does ever. Not because of religious fervor or fear of offense, but just because that's not the way the usage evolved.

And then it gets better. Who the fuck uses "black" or "gay" as swear words? Nobody. Ever. Again, that's not how the language works. At worst, "gay" gets used as a derogatory term, which is different than a swear word. But Biden's too old to say something like "I can see Putin sitting in Moscow saying 'If Iran gets the nuclear weapon, that'll be totally gay.'"

But beyond that, using "Jesus Christ" as an epithet isn't hate speech. It's taking the Lord's name in vain, which is a completely different infraction, and one that only applies to the adherents of Christianity. So Biden either sinned, or implied that Vladmir Putin is a sinner. And if I say "Jesus Christ" when I stub my toe, it's not sinning, and it's not hate speech, it's just 40 years of cultural programming thanks to the lingering dominance of Christianity over the years. And if Mark Tapscott really thinks that taking Joe Biden to task over this is a worthwhile use of his time, then JUMPING JESUS H. FUCKING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, what the hell is wrong with him?