That's Not How You Do It

« September 2009 »

Memo to Chris Wallace, Tom Ridge, and Michelle Bachmann: THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT.

Incompetence. If you took a poll, I bet 100% of people who knew what the fuck the word "incompetence" means would agree it's a bad thing. But in a cruel paradox, 100% of incompetent people agree that there should be no consequences for incompetence. This vague theme sort of unifies my three favorite insanely stupid quotes, presented in the now-familiar IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS format!

"Chris, my sort of overwhelming view is that the enhanced interrogation techniques were absolutely essential in saving thousands of American lives, in preventing further attacks against the United States, in giving us the intelligence we needed to go find al Qaeda, to find their camps, to find out how they were being financed. … It was good policy. It was properly carried out. it worked very, very well." - Dick Cheney to Chris Wallace on Fox News.

Dick Cheney is competent. He's an evil fuck, but he's eminently competent at that. Chris Wallace is still, officially, a journalist. Even though we all know better. Chris Wallace is incompetent. When covering organized crime, do you invite John Gotti onto your program so that he can extol the virtues of the protection services he provides in the community? No, you do not. That would be crazy. So why would you invite the man who ordered war crimes onto your news program to discuss how horrible it is that the Department of Justice will be investigating war crimes? THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO IT.

I will, in one rare instance, agree with Dick Cheney about one thing. His view is definitely overwhelming.

"But there’s never been any doubt in my mind that any of these individuals, Secretary Powell, Attorney General Ashcroft, Secretary Rumsfeld, the FBI Director Mueller, they’ve always had the security of America as the number one reason they would say, let’s go up or let’s not go up. I don’t think it ever was politics... Is there any other reason that’s out there and perhaps this — expressed it unartfully — but I’m not suggesting that anybody in that room on that occasion or any other occasion was interested in doing anything other than the right thing to protect America." - Tom Ridge, pussying out on CNN and ABC.

First, seriously, can we fucking ban the use of "unartfully" in politics? What a venal, shitty word, so symptomatic of our venal, shitty times. But beyond that, I do not understand the Tom Ridge strategy. Two weeks ago, portions of his book leaked that said he considered resigning because he thought he was being pressured to bump terror alerts for political purposes. It was big news at the time. So if it was so horribly wrong two weeks ago, why wasn't Ridge out there correcting this at the time? Makes no damn sense.

The only possible motivation for leaving the impression out there would be to drive book sales - get a bunch of people who wouldn't normally buy a Tom Ridge Kisses George Bush's Ass book to buy copies hoping there's more dirt like the terror alert stuff in there. But his book's only out today! Which means he tried to defuse the controversial part of his book before it hit store shelves. This also doesn't make any damn sense. About the only thing that does make sense is that Tom Ridge always did suck at his job, and now he sucks at his post-job writing about his old job that he sucked at.

"This cannot pass... What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass... Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom. And we may never be able to restore it if we don’t man up and take this one on. - Michelle Bachmann, taking full advantage of the thin air in Denver.

Um, Michelle? That's not how you do blood brothers. When two or more people make a covenant to slit their wrists, that's a suicide pact. I realize it's not in society's greater benefit to inform you of this fact, but we both know you're just talking shit. You're in the House. You can't do a goddamned thing to "take this one on", no matter how many wrists you slit, no matter how many mixed metaphors you reach down your own throat and rip out, and no matter how much you "man up". You could slit your wrists, set yourself on fire in the Capitol rotunda, and convince private charities to cover the entire cost of your health care, rejecting your primo Congressional coverage, and you'd still be a fucking laughingstock with no power. Who do you think you are, some centrist Democrat senator with millions in insurance company campaign contributions? Dumbass.