Ingredients: Eggs, Cream, Harvey Milk...

« September 2009 »

Memo to right-wing ice cream lovers: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's a crazy world out there. Sometimes, it seems there's nothing we can truly count on. I mean, we thought we could count on terminally ill people not being openly mocked by conservative politicians, and then we had "health care town halls". We thought we could count on the Playstation 3 looking like Darth Vader's bread box, and now there's the PS3 Slim, which looks more like Darth Vader's overstuffed Trapper Keeper. We thought we could count on society blaming the horrors of World War II on Adolf Hitler, and forgot about the existence of Pat Buchanan*.

It's times like this when I turn to the metaphorical equivalent of opening the freezer, grabbing a pint and a spoon, and going to town. Comfort food. Reliable. Trustworthy. Something you can count on. Like the propensity for wingnuts and whackjobs to completely lose their shit over the tiniest thing. If only there were something meaningless that could set them off.

"Ben & Jerry’s is temporarily renaming popular 'Chubby Hubby' ice cream 'Hubby Hubby' beginning today to celebrate the start of legalized gay marriage in its home state of Vermont."

Why thank you, Boston Herald on September the first, that will do quite nicely.

Now, Ben and Jerry's is a liberal company. Always has been. I mean, over five years ago, I wrote a column about an idiot so incensed at the hippie founders' anti-Bush antics that he tried to set all the ice cream from his convenience store on fire.** For fuck's sake, the company was founded by two bearded hippies so hippie that even after they sold out, the huge corporation that took over was STILL left of center.

Ben and Jerry's has an ice cream flavor named after a sex manual, for fuck's sake. Nobody should be surprised by this, but apparently lots of morons were unaware that Ben and Jerry's is made with BGH. Big Gay Hormones. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Seems like alot of fudge packed into an overpriced(as usual)pint.Let kids be kids,don't expose them to this.As adults we should live & let live,i practice this.Don't shove something down our throat,it's up to the people to vote,just like they did in ca." - The wildly ironically nicknamed "TyroneShoelaces", commenting in the Boston Herald.

HA HA HA HA HA! See how he subtly worked that anal sex reference in there? That sure is the way to "live and let live". Of course, in his rush to live and let live, Tyrone seems to have forgotten that the people of Vermont did vote. They voted for the legislators who passed the same-sex marriage law. This wasn't some court decision or "activist judge". This is the will of the people of Vermont that's being shoved down your throat, dude.

"They've sold their last ice cream to me, for sure. *GACK*" - commenter "shemac". You hear that, Ben and Jerry's? Your relentless pursuit of disgusting married homosexuals has cost you the all-important She-Mac demographic. And don't try to win them back with some kind of Sherbet-Macaroon flavor, either. You can tell she's serious, because she actually typed out her gag reflex.

"Give me a break. Just because someone doesn't find gay marriage to be spiritually right then what we are all bigots. Your so full of yourself it's not even funny. So by your conclusion the Vatican is full of racists bigots who have nothing to do but demonize something that goes against their doctrine of faith. Ya, guess the world would be alright if everyone agreed with you." - "Ellen". Seriously, do these people never consider any of the inherent irony of their screen names? I swear, I'm not making this up.

I just love this, because let's face it, the Vatican is an entire SOVEREIGN NATION created with the express purpose of demonizing things that go against their doctrine of faith. And the reason they have nothing else to do is because that's their job. I mean, the current Pope used to be in charge ov, wait for it... wait for it, the Organization of the Doctrine of the Faith! You know the office that changed its name after "Inquisition" got a bad rap for some reason or another.

But it falls to "NHForever" to provide me with my absolute favorite clueless fucking comment on this whole issue. "I've enjoyed B&J Ice Cream for years and tried not to let their liberal wacko ways get in the way of what they do best. But, this is the last straw. I will not be buying anymore from now on. I have nothing against gay marriage. I am all for marry anyone you want and keep the govt out of it. What I do not tollerate is the "push it in your face" approach that some people feel is necessary. Where's the ice cream flavor for heterosexual people who marry? Give me a break."

I don't know how to break this to you, NHForever, but the ice cream flavor for heterosexual people is, well, "Chubby Hubby". You know, the straight-marriage-themed ice cream that Ben and Jerry's temporarily renamed in Vermont stores to celebrate the gay marriage you claim to have nothing against. It's right there in the story you're commenting on. They're not even making new packaging for store shelves, because it takes too long. Still, you are well within your rights to feel that this microscopic gesture at the temporary expense of straight-marriage ice cream pushes things in your face. I hope that Ben and Jerry's can survive the economic double-whammy of you not buying their product both anymore AND from now on.

Mmmmm. Rich, creamy, stupidy goodness. If only there was a way to parcel it out into pints and wrap it in waxy cardboard. I could make a mint.

*No, seriously, Google that shit.

**That column, by the way, inspired what may still be the funniest hate mail I've ever received.