« September 2009 »


Ladies and gentlemen, we may have a new all-time record-holder in the annals of "family values" politicians caught with their dicks in the nookie jar. Larry Craig's wide stance, David Vitter's diapers, Mark Sanford's secret Argentinian mistress... OK, even now, just typing it, I have to admit the secret Argentinian mistress thing is still hella awesome. But I'm still convinced Michael Duvall edges past it.

First, Duvall is a California assemblyman representing Orange County, the douchebag capital of the Left Coast. Second, he's not only 54 years old, he's got that "gray-haired jowly Republican trying to look rugged" thing down perfectly. Third, he just got caught fucking around on his wife. Fourth, he got caught fucking around on his wife with lobbyists. And fifth, he got caught fucking around on his wife with lobbyists because he bragged about it near a microphone he didn't know was turned on.

Someone pulled the handle, and all three wheels on the slot machine came up Schadenfreude. Fucking jackpot. Married, anti-gay-marriage, chock full of self-righteousness, and of course, really really unsavory once the door shuts and the pants drop. Be warned, this is blargh on toast. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And
 so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going 
up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!"

You know what else is "so messy"? Trying to spin your escapades with a utilities lobbyist when you're vice-chairman of the Utilities Commission. Duvall attempted to follow the standard playbook. Stage one: begging for privacy.

"I made a mistake and I sincerely apologize. I deeply regret the comments I made in what I believed to be a private conversation. This is a private matter and I ask that everyone respect the privacy of all involved."

Ah, yes. Respecting the privacy of all involved. You know what's a really good way of respecting the privacy of all involved? Assuming you still want to fuck lobbyists in exchange for legislative concessions (which is the only reason I can assume a 36-year-old lobbyist was banging your ancient ass), maybe you shouldn't brag about it to random dudes who got stuck sitting next to you before a committee meeting televised on public access. Otherwise, your desire for privacy rings as hollow as any claims you might make that you did all this without the help of boner pills.

When that move failed so fast it left a fail-shaped smoking hole in his career, he resigned, with a resignation statement that made Mark Sanford look like the poster child for accepting responsibility.

"I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work."

See? What he did wasn't wrong. Nor was it creepy, nor was it disgusting, nor was it unethical. It was inappropriate. You know, like wearing white eyepatch panties after Labor Day. It was distracting. You know, like an old asshole next to you who won't shut up about his sport-fucking. It's unfair, like a world full of open microphones, rapacious local news reporters, and YouTube. And it was immediate, like a 24-hour complete political flameout.

See ya, Duvall. Have fun looking for a new job, a new wife, and I'm guessing a new dry-cleaner.