The 9/13 Project

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Memo to Glenn Beck, Mark Williams, and Some Dude With A Sign: YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.

Like all of you, I was horrified by the events of September 12, 2009, when a handful of desperate extremists crashed their airplanes of insanity into the twin towers of logic and reason. But I choose not to think of the horrors of that day. Instead, I want to focus on how we felt on 9/13, that communal bond, where we all came together as a country to mock the teabagging hordes for their utter ridiculousness. It is in that spirit that I am launching the 9/13 Project, to ensure that the same spirit of mocking the assembled moronitudes never dies. And as the inaugural event of the 9/13 Project, I present a 9/12 edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"We had a university, I think it's University of -- I don't remember which university it is -- um, look at the pictures. And you know, they can do body space and calculate, 1.7 million, that crowd was estimated." - Glenn Beck, upon whose red, sweaty, jowly head the blame for the 9/12 attacks can be squarely laid.

Ah, yes, the prestigious University of I Don't Remember. I'm pretty sure that's where Alberto Gonzales got his job teaching law. Anyway, there weren't 1.7 million people involved in the tragic events of 9/12. But we knew that, because if teabaggers could count, they'd be liberals. There were 1.7 million people or thereabouts at the Obama inauguration, and we know what that looked like, and as we watched the horror of 9/12 unfold on our screens, we knew it looked nothing like the inauguration. Oh, and "the pictures" is a picture of a Promise Keepers march from 12 years ago. And if a million or so Promise keepers can dwindle to extinction in about a decade, it gives me great hope for the future of the teabagger movement.

"Yeah, that's the way he's behaving... He's certainly acting like it. Until he embraces the whole country what else can I conclude?" - Mark Williams, one of the 9/12 ringleaders, answering a question posed by Anderson Cooper.

The question, by the way, was essentially this: If the crazy racist fucks at the Tea Parties are the fringe, as you claim, then why did you say on your blog that President Obama was an "Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug and a racist in chief"?

Which I think is a fair question, and which Mark Williams probably thinks is just part of the gotcha culture of the liberal media, using things people said days or months ago to discredit what they're saying now. The funny thing is, for all any of us knows, and this includes Mark Williams, he might be right? Because nobody has the slightest idea of how the fuck an Indonesian Muslim turned welfare thug behaves. I mean, it certainly doesn't sound nice, but without an actual real-world example to observe, we'd just be judging a nonexistent book by the cover scrawled in crayon by an idiot. And that wouldn't be fair.

"OBAMA'S Civilian National Security Force is HIS way of FORCING US TO PAY FOR HIS PRIVATE ARMY!!" - If there is an emblematic image of 9/12 that will be burned into our retinas forever, it will be this, the single greatest teabagger sign in the history of teabagger signage.

This has it all. Paranoia? Check. Random Internet conspiracy theory? Words two through five inclusive. The inescapable semantic conclusion that the sign-holder would be fine if Obama had a private army as long as he wasn't paying for it? Oh yes. But the best part is the sweet, sweet hypocrisy. Because between 2001 and 2008, the Bush administration had a method for getting people like Jimmy Signholder to pay for his private army. It's called deficit spending (which teabaggers hate) on no-bid contracts to Blackwater.

Blackwater, which changed its name to Xe around the same time it reset its "X Days Since Our Last Civilian Massacre" sign, is a goddamned private army. That's its mission statement. And this guy paid for it for seven fucking years, and never made a sign or marched on Washington or got off his ass for any reason beyond wiping it with Osama Bin Laden toilet paper. But that's because Blackwater was real. This Civilian National Security force is much more dangerous because, being completely fictional, it's capable of ANYTHING. And I'm sure there are all kinds of atrocities Blackwater never committed that this guy thinks Obama's private army is capable of. I mean, I can't think of anything worse, but I clearly lack the imagination necessary to carry out the horrors of 9/12.