A Heaping Helping of Mea Culpas

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Richard. Rick. Dick. What is it about that name? Dick Cheney. Dick Morris. Richard Myers. Richard Nixon. Richard Roeper. Lots of high-profile assholes with that moniker these days, it seems. Hell, even Bush's doctor is named Dick Tubb, which is good for a whole doodle's worth of snickers. But the king of them all has got to be Rick Santorum.

Ah, Rick. Ye of the now infamous "man on dog" gay marriage analogy. The funny thing is, for a while there, it looked like maybe Old Frothy was trying to pass himself off as more of a moderate. When that didn't do anything for his slumping poll numbers, though, Rick hopped right back on his favorite dog and rode again as the American culture warrior we all know and despise.

He wrote a whole book, "It Takes A Family", blaming those liberal working woman feminist types for ruining the family with their educations and their careers and their inability to be satisfied staying home and raising the vast numbers of spawn that spring forth from their properly unfettered loins. The title is a dig at Hillary Clinton's book, "It Takes A Village", earning him two dozen Instant Conservative Points, redeemable for fine, quality Camp Gitmo merchandise at your local Wal-Mart. They're like Green Stamps for douchebags.

I'm sure Hillary appreciates Santorum's advice. After all, there's nothing we liberals need more than to be informed of what we're responsible for, so that we can feel appropriately guilty and chagrined about it. Similarly, I was very grateful to learn from Santorum that, as an East Coast liberal from way back, it's actually MY fault Catholic priests fucked little boys in Boston and the church covered it up.

It's an interesting story - one the brackets Santorum's brief stint with moderation. It starts almost exactly three years ago, in an editorial for Catholic Online. Maybe he thought nobody sane would see it there - if so, he was almost right. In the editorial, Santorum blamed the Boston-area pedophilia by priests on, I kid you the fuck not, the sick culture liberals created. ACTUAL BUGFUCK QUOTE TIME!

"The most obvious change must occur within American seminaries, many of which demonstrate the same brand of cultural liberalism plaguing our secular universities... Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture. When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

He ends this editorial with a call to "Climb into Peter's boat and go into the deep!", which sounds like the kind of euphemism James West* might use in a chatroom, but is actually a Biblical reference to fishing, I'm told.

Since the Internet is forever, Santorum's psycho comments came to light recently, and he was called to defend them by the Boston Globe. Which he did. Taking a page from Alan Keyes, he defended his statements by making even more ridiculously wrong ones. A! Q! T!

"'The basic liberal attitude in that area... has an impact on people's behavior. If you have a world view that I'm describing... that affirms alternative views of sexuality, that can lead to a lot of people taking it the wrong way." By "taking it the wrong way", I can only assume he means "from priests", "after Mass", and "in the rectory". So to speak.

On the whole, it's not actually that different from the rampant homophobia and fearmongering these guys love to preach. The gays want to convert your kids! The gays want to fuck your kids! If you say it's OK for men to fuck other men, you're opening the door to all kinds of depravity!

Santorum just ratcheted it up a tad, implying that the gay agenda is so powerful, so insidious, that it reached up into the bowels of the Church hierarchy and turned otherwise isolated, pious, religious types into kiddie fiddlers. Oh, and it made Cardinal Law cover the whole thing up. And made the Pope transfer Law instead of punishing him. And somehow also managed to restore Law's reputation to the point where he got to speak at the Pope's funeral. I'm not sure how they managed that one, although there are rumors the decision did coincide with the first airing of Queer Eye reruns in Italian.

While we're at it, I'd like to apologize on behalf of the sick liberal culture for the Enron fiasco. It seems that our twisted culture of wealth redistribution is to blame. See, Ken Lay wanted to make some money, but he was afraid we'd tax it all. So he had to make more. But that'd put him in a higher bracket, and we'd take more. So he had to make more. But then we'd take more. It was a brutal, vicious cycle that spun out of control, and it's all our fault. Sorry about that. Also, we shaved your puppy. Our bad.

*You remember James West, right?