No Brain To Clarksville

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Memo to Jeremy Piper, Fred Barnes, and Camille Paglia: YOU ARE DUMB.

Enough with the cheerleaders. I'm not talking about them any more. And I don't have to, because there are plenty of other non-cheerleaders saying plenty of stupid stuff. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"I don’t see any reason why it would be inappropriate. I was surprised at a stamp being developed, and would have thought others would be, too." - Jeremy Piper, mayor of Clarksville, TN, and his best excuse.

Given how much I love mocking Tennessee and shitty excuses, I don't know why it took me this long to get around to mocking Jeremy Piper. Piper got in a bit of trouble for engaging in the official I'm An Asshole activity of 2009 - forwarding an anti-Obama e-mail.

The good news? No watermelon pictures. The bad news? The e-mail is filled with anti-Muslim rhetoric, and blames secret Muslim Obama's secret Muslimness for his Muslim decision to issue a Muslim stamp honoring Muslim Christmas. Which would be problematic, except Obama's not a Muslim, neither Eid Al-Fitr or Eid Al-Adha are "Muslim Christmas", and the stamp was first issued on September 1, 2001, by notorious secret Muslim George W. Bush.

Yet Piper doesn't see what's "inappropriate" about forwarding a Snopes-debunked, incorrect, hate mail because he knows a bunch of inbred hick fucks who would also be surprised? Every time I think I'm being too hard on Tennessee, they pat me on the back and reassure me that yes, they really do fucking deserve it.

"And it’s reminiscent of that famous meeting in 1961 of John F. Kennedy, a rookie president like Barack Obama, then with Nikita Khrushchev. And what did Khrushchev conclude from that meeting? That it was a weak president. And what happened? You had the Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Berlin Wall built in Berlin, obviously. Worse could happen here." - Fred Barnes of the Weekly Standard.

I would be remiss in my duties as a world-renowned moron-spotter if I didn't at least mention the ridiculous reaction to Obama's sane, reasonable decision on missile defense, which was essentially to stop spending money on missile defenses that don't work, located in places people aren't likely to be firing missiles at us, and instead spend less money on shorter-range missile defense that work somewhat better, located in places where people are threatening to lob missiles in the general direction of our interests.

But Obama committed two cardinal sins - first, he fucked with Ronnie's toys, and second, he did so while being Barack Obama, so cold war junkies with too much time on their hands like Fred Barnes had to go on Fox News and talk about how this move could precipitate either a crisis that actually worked out OK with nothing being launched and nobody dying, or some sort of territorial takeover dividing a city that would be completely fucking impractical in 2009. Or worse. I can't imagine what would be worse, because unlike Fred Barnes, I'm not an old fart who still hears Khrushchev banging his shoe whenever he closes his eyes.

"First of all, I reject the idea that the “birther” campaign is motivated by racism. There may be racism among it, but there are legitimate questions about the documentation of Obama’s birth certificate. I’m sorry, I’ve been following this closely from the start. To assume that all those signs about the birth controversy were motivated by racism, that is simply wrong." - Camille Paglia, on NPR's "The Point".

I have a message for purportedly liberal outlets like Salon and NPR who keep asking Camille Paglia what she thinks. STOP. If you stop, nobody else will ask her what she thinks. It's not like with Tucker Carlson or Glenn Beck, where, if you set them free, Rupert Murdoch will set out some Cheetos and a copy of the Wall Street Journal and wait for them to land on his balcony. If you cut Paglia loose, she'll have to find some way of making money that doesn't involve slaughtering common sense with her +2 Vorpal Sword of Banality on a semi-regular basis. There are legitimate questions about the documentation that says Camille Paglia's an intellectual.