Like My Cat, Only Stupider

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann: C'MERE. I'VE GOT THE LASER POINTER.

Apparently Michelle Bachmann is like my cat, only stupider. For several weeks running, Bachmann got at least one quote in Idiots Say The Damndest Things. Then, two weeks ago, no Bachmann. Then, last week, no Bachmann. Somehow sensing this lack of attention, she did what my cats do when they lack attention. They go nuts begging for it. So just to quiet her down, I will make up for lost time and give her three, count them, three, slots in this week's MICHELLE BACHMANN, IDIOT, SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The bill goes on to say what's going to go on -- comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care -- is that abortion? Does that mean that someone's 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser." - Bachmann, wasting the barely-valuable-as-it-is time of the House of Representatives.

Unlike most sane people, Michelle Bachmann's tirade about middle-school abortion clinics didn't surprise me. That's because THREE WEEKS before this quote hit, I got an e-mail from Donald Wildmon claiming that "ObamaCare will put Planned Parenthood clinics inside your child's school". And if a crazy-ass claim is going around right-wing e-mail, you can guarantee that Batshit Bachmann will repeat it verbatim, either on cable news, a wingnut potluck, or the floor of Congress.

Note, by the way, that she doesn't even bother providing a rationale for her incredible leap from the incredibly generic, sensible medical language in the bill to screaming about abortion? Do they not have school nurses anymore? They must have been the victims of budget cuts, because I know when I went to school, there was a nurse on staff who provided primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, and told my parents to take me to a doctor if I needed "specialty care". And not one of my abortions occurred under those circumstances.

"She'll either beat them to death, bludgeon them to death... or she'll try to buy them off." - Bachmann, explaining on Fox News what Nancy Pelosi will do to bring the Blue Dogs in line.

This is one of those times, like with banning the Bible or putting abortion clinics in middle schools, when I really, really wish a crazy conservative fantasy would come true. But Bachmann, as is her nature, goes far beyond what would be necessary even in an insane violent fantasy. Pelosi wouldn't have to bludgeon ALL of them to death. That would lead to too many special elections, with unpredictable results. However, if she were to stand over the corpse of one of them, picked at random, let's say Ben Nelson, holding a bloodied club and screaming a war cry? The rest of them would fall in line, no bludgeoning necessary.

Of course, the Blue Dogs are only a problem in the Senate, so fuck knows why Bachmann thinks Pelosi would be dealing with them in the first place, but seriously, if Pelosi even had the temerity and the authority to buy them off, then health care and a robust public option would already be law, and instead of Bachmann going on Fox News to bitch about how it's going to happen, she'd be going on Fox News to bitch about how it's not working yet.

"So we defund that but then the third thing that we do, which you’re getting into with economic development, is we have to after we defund the left, we pass repealer bill after repealer bill after repealer bill. Because there’s a huge machinery that’s been built up in this town. And we have to just repeal it. And we have to campaign on that to the American people. That is a hugely winning message right now with the American people." - Bachmann, briefing conservative bloggers at the Heritage Foundation.

Are you fucking kidding me? That's not even a hugely coherent message right now with the American people. Hell, I'd bet that at a briefing of conservative bloggers at the Heritage Foundation, there aren't more than a handful of people there who either know what she's talking about, or would insist, even while being waterboarded, that SHE knows what she's talking about.

Forget her fantasy about "defunding the left". I want to know what liberal systems have been built up that she's going to repeal? The stimulus? That'll all be spent by the time they can get any "repealer bills" in place. And since they're Republicans, they can't tax the people who got it to get the money back. The bailouts? That was Bush's play, and again, even assuming they pin it on Obama and try to repeal it, that money's more gone than the stimulus money. That's keys-in-lava gone. That's cash-in-Iraq gone. I suppose there's health care, but since all that's going to get passed this year is a weak bill that won't go into effect until 2013 anyway, repealing that's a symbolic measure at best.

That said, I anxiously await the text of any and all repealer bills Michelle Bachmann cares to offer in the future. There are plenty of Wednesdays ahead, and I ain't goin' nowhere.