Unfinished Business

« November 2009 »

Memo to a whole buncha people: YOU ARE DUMB.

I have three problems. First, I have a few things that didn't get said on Friday on account of chocolate-coated witchcraft and time-release curses. Second, I have a bunch of stuff clogging the bottom of the research pile. And third, because of a hectic early week, a lot of what you're going to read over the next few days has to be written well in advance. Luckily, all three problems have the same solution. SPASTIC TOPIC MONDAY FRIDAY!

Told you Joe Lieberman was a dick.

I know I've said this before, but I've been warning you people about Joe Lieberman since before I started this column, back in the days when I called him "Joystick Joe" for cozying up to family-values gambling addict Bill Bennett and campaigning against fucking Night Trap. And he's just gotten worse ever since, to the point where he's threatening to join the Republicans and filibuster the health care bill so that it won't have a public option.

Now, I'm not such an ideological purist that I expect every Democrat to vote for every Democratic bill. Some Democrats have conservative constituents. Some Democrats feel the need to vote their consciences, even though their consciences are assholes. That's fine. Do what you need to do on the final vote. I don't care. But pulling procedural bullshit to impose your will on the majority? That's what the opposition party does. That's what the Democrats should have been doing during all eight years of Bush. If you're filibustering the Democrats and imposing a 60 vote threshold, you're part of the opposition, and should be treated accordingly. And the first thing we should do is keep reporters from including "who caucuses with Democrats" in any news story about Lieberman.

I frequently describe Tennessee as the "dumbest fucking state in the Union", which sometimes makes me feel bad, because Oklahoma tries so hard. But in further I Was Right news, a recent study has concluded that out of all 50 states, Tennessee has the lowest educational standards. In other words, in Tennessee, if you're kinda dumb, that's OK. It's what's expected of you. And if you're not kinda dumb, that's OK too, because eventually, you'll figure out the shortest way out of Tennessee.

I frequently describe Tennessee as the "dumbest fucking state in the Union", which sometimes makes me feel bad, because Oklahoma tries so hard. For example, if not for the timely intervention of the court system, Oklahoma would have started posting, on the Internet, a series of eight details about every abortion performed in the state. And when I say "Oklahoma", I mean "the four people in Oklahoma who know how to post stuff to the Internet".

The law doesn't provide any identifying information, of course. Just the age of the patient, the date of the procedure, the county where it took place, the race of the patient, the last school grade the patient completed, the state/country the patient lives in, and the number of previous live births, miscarriages, and abortions the patient had previously.

The law, dubbed* the "So, Janet, Why DID You Take Last Week Off Act of 2009", is just another move by fundie womb raiders to force women to give birth. I mean, there's no possible societal good that might come from making this level of detail on individual procedures available. It's just to scare women in small towns into thinking everyone on the Internet will know if they have one. Oh, and also to let anti-abortion advocates cherry-pick every black and Hispanic woman with multiple abortions to reinforce their own prejudices, of course. Fuck you, Okies.

At the beginning of October, Sam "Not A Plumber" Wurzelbacher competed in a stand-up comedy contest for political D-listers in Washington. Let me put it this way: Austen Goolsbee won, probably on the basis of his name. Anyway, I just wanted you all to know that I never covered it here because I couldn't bring myself to watch the video. And I've seen a man fucked to death by a horse.

A Chinese company bought Hummer. Unfortunately, nobody who still drives a Hummer will be able to notice the deep, rich irony inherent in the overlap between the population of Hummer drivers and the population of tea partiers yelling about how Obama's sold the country to China. Good thing I'm here to point it out to them and rub it in their five-mile-per-gallon faces, then.

*By me, but dubbed nonetheless!