Republicans, Pedophilia, Republicans

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Memo to Jay Nordlinger, some British breeder, and Andy Breitbart's crack anti-ACORN squad: YOU ARE DUMB.

Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, it's time for the endless parade of verbal and written micro-lameness that is IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"When I was growing up, in Ann Arbor, Mich., there was a little debate: Should school officials try to prevent black students from using the N-word? I don't believe the issue was ever settled. And this brings up the question of whether 'teabagger' could be kind of a conservative N-word: to be used in the family, but radioactive outside the family." - The National Review's Jay Nordlinger, relinquishing all rights to have his name pronounced like Shirley Bassey singing.

I think I've figured out why conservatives think homosexuality is a choice. They all secretly long to be oppressed minorities. They romanticize it. Well, not when it's actually happening to oppressed minorities. Then they ignore it. But they want all the perks of being oppressed - the camaraderie, the coded language, the ability to "take back" words. Well, as long as they still get to keep their suits and their jobs and their limos and their privilege.

Basically, Jay Nordlinger, like so many of his fellow conservatives, wants to be Nelson Mandela. He just wants to skip over that pesky "spending three decades in South African prisons" part. It's very noble, if by noble, you mean offensively fucking stupid.

"When I squeezed its tummy I couldn't believe my ears. I recognised the tune, but the words were certainly not traditional. Luckily my children are too young to understand." - Random British mother quoted in The Sun.

Ah, it's that festive time of the year. The War On Christmas is in full swing, and parents all over the world are freaking out because incredibly cheap toys make noises that are difficult to understand. In this case, it's a three pound mouse. Not a mouse that weighs three pounds, that would be fucking terrifying. No, three pounds sterling. A cheap toy, made in China, and when you squeeze it, it sings "Jingle Bells". Only apparently it sounds a bit like "Pedophile".

Apart from the usual stupidity of expecting a five dollar stuffed mouse to have crystal-clear sound, what bugs me most about this is her claim that she couldn't believe her ears. Not only could she believe her ears, but believing her ears was EXACTLY WHAT SHE BLOODY WELL DID. Her ears told her the mouse was singing "pedophile" instead of "jingle bells". She believed them. If she hadn't believed them, and listened to her brain, she'd have concluded, from the tune and the incredible cheapness of the toy, that the sweatshop singer they recorded for the mouse was saying "jingle bells".

But instead, she believed her ears, went to the store, press, and/or authorities, and now the toy's been recalled for excessive levels of ped. Hooray! Another victory for... nobody at all!

"The videos that have been released appear to have been edited, in some cases substantially, including the insertion of a substitute voiceover for significant portions of Mr. O'Keefe's and Ms. Giles's comments, which makes it difficult to determine the questions to which ACORN employees are responding. A comparison of the publicly available transcripts to the released videos confirms that large portions of the original video have been omitted from the released versions." - Former Massachusetts attorney general and unfortunate surname victim Scott Harshbarger.

You will not recognize the names "Mr. O'Keefe or Ms. Giles. Allow me to refer to them by their stage names (respectively), The Whitest Pimp In The Universe, and Proof Most Conservatives Only Know What Gay Hookers Look Like. Yes, the infamous pimp and ho from the undercover ACORN videos, in which ACORN employees responded helpfully to what seemed like very incriminating questions. Questions that, according to this report, may have never been asked.

Now, it's true that ACORN asked Harshbarger to conduct the investigation, but let's put it to the smell test. Who do you trust more? A weedy, pasty Young Republican, hired by the proprietor of two of the worst blogs on the Internet, who showed up at the ACORN offices in a fake fur coat? Or a former attorney general whose motto probably isn't, but should be, "To harshly barge where no harsh person has barged before"? Exactly.

Although, to be fair, conservatives are highly motivated to take ACORN down. I mean, the group helps empower oppressed minorities, and the more visible oppressed minorities are, the less convincing it is when Jay Nordlinger pretends to be one. So what's a little overdubbing between friends?