Christmas Offensive

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Memo to Christmas Warriors: STOP STABBING THE AIR WITH YOUR TINY PENISES.

You'll have to pardon the mixed metaphor, but this year, the War On The War On Christmas has somehow managed to become even more ridiculous than ever. They have essentially wrapped their dicks in tinsel to make them sort of look like bayonets, and are thrusting wildly at nothingness, then emerging... triumphant?

Back in the good old days, the War On The War On Christmas would take a predictable, if irritating, form. Bill O'Reilly or some other wingnut would take some example of a school, a government entity, or a business establishment anally violating White Christian America by daring to act as if non-whites and/or non-Christians actually learned, lived, or shopped there.

Having identified a tiny, insignificant enemy, they would then inflate that enemy to the size of a skyscraper, then act like an avenging angel of (self)righteousness when they popped it. It was stupid, and pointless, but it kept the wingnuts and the Jesus-freaks occupied for a couple of months. This year is different.

They're not even bothering to find enemies. I knew something foul was in the air when Donald Wildmon sent me an e-mail claiming the Gap was refusing to use the word Christmas in its advertising. And while I was reading the e-mail, an ad from the Gap came on, and lo and behold, two of the first words in it were Merry and Christmas. It's like they weren't even trying! They just took some old boycott someone gave them a couple of years ago, wrapped it in some new paper, and tried to pass it off as a great gift. Dicks.

But this year, the War On The War On Christmas isn't even concerned with The War On Christmas. It's just become The War For Christmas. You know how the Iraq war was ostensibly about defending the United States, even though the United States wasn't actually threatened, and then it suddenly became about inseminating the Middle East with good old American democracy-spooge? That's what this year's War For Christmas is about.

For example, the House Republicans just introduced one of those pointless, stupid, proclamatory bills that are such a good use of idiot Congresscritter time. Republicans are rushing to co-sponsor it so fast there are douchebag-shaped holes in half the Capitol office doors. And what does this resolution resolve? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

" Whereas the Framers intended that the First Amendment of the Constitution, in prohibiting the establishment of religion, would not prohibit any mention of religion or reference to God in civic dialog: Now, therefore, be it Resolved, That the House of Representatives– (1) recognizes the importance of the symbols and traditions of Christmas; (2) strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas; and (3) expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas."

That's some impressive Christmas assholery, right there. Takes a strawman shot at the Establishment Clause, strongly disapproves of shit that never happens, and essentially declares LED icicle lights to be a national treasure. It could go without saying that this is stupid, but I'll say it anyway, because dammit, it makes me feel better. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.

What's especially maddening is that these are the same people who insist that two dudes holding hands is "shoving homosexuality down our throats". Yet they see nothing wrong with forcing us all to gag on their oversized candy canes, because they think it'll make Jesus love them more.

But as bad as that resolution is, it's jack shit nipping at your nose compared to what Merry Hyatt is trying to pull. Merry Hyatt is a substitute teacher in California and avid Teabagger. And she has an idea. An idea she wants to enshrine into law. An idea that dovetails nicely with the half of her name that isn't a chain of hotels where people go to have dirty, dirty sex.

The hilariously cumbersome "Freedom to Present Christmas Music in Public School Classrooms or Assemblies" initiative would require that California schools provide mandatory "opportunities" to listen to, or perform, Christmas music during the holiday season. Students would be able to opt out if their parents, who would be notified "21 calendar days before that pupil would be required to be present for the presentation or performance of Christmas music".

And lest ye merry gentlemen wonder if Merry Hyatt's plan stems from a love of secular American Christmas music like "Santa Baby", think again. She's upset because the district she taught at before she moved was having "Christmas without Jesus".

Luckily, as an avid Tea Party participant, all Merry Hyatt knows how to actually accomplish is get slightly riled up and shout about how things should be. Actually making things the way they think they should be is not part of the teabagger skill set. But here's the thing. Students can already listen to or sing Christmas music in California schools. There are a few restrictions in place to keep with the First Amendment and the purposes of education, but, much like the Congressional resolution, it's striking a blow for something nobody was striking a blow against. Not even a fake, imagined blow.

The War For Christmas is now entirely self-sufficient. A perpetual emotion machine, capable of generating outraged output without even the slightest innocuous input. All we can do is sit back, watch them tilt against imaginary windmills, and maybe try to think of a way to hook turbines up to these fuckers so that they can at least charge our iPods.