Stocking Stuffers

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Memo to Brian Ticehurst, Genesis Orlando, and North Carolina: YOU ARE DUMB.

Goddamn, what a fucking drag. You've got the traditional holiday news lull on one hand, and on the other hand, the Tiger Woods and health care stories fighting each other to fill that lull with non-stop tedium. What's a guy to do? Dig through the obscure research for tiny nuggets of idiocy to break up the boredom, on what will probably be the last SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY of the decade!

Here's a hint. One dude not liking something? Not a fucking controversy. From the UK's Daily Mail comes a story about one dude upset with Gin And Titonic brand ice cube molds. You see, the molds make ice cubes in the shape of a sinking Titanic for you to put in your drink glass. Which is pretty awesome, to everyone except Bruce Ticehurst, who, as a Titanic historian, is way too emotionally invested in one ocean liner to be taken seriously. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They are distasteful, hundreds of people died in the tragedy. How long will it be before this firm makes ice cubes of the Twin Towers to commemorate 9/11?"

I have so many answers to your question that I'm going to have to use bullets to organize them, fuckface.

  • Probably another 89 years, since the Titanic sank almost a century ago.
  • Never, and you know why? Because the World Trade Center didn't SINK INTO THE WATER.
  • Really? You're fine with the movie, you're fine with the giant-headed Kate Winslet dolls based on the movie, you're fine with the Celine Dion song, you're fine with that 70's "Raise The Titanic" movie, but this ice cube is trivializing the deaths of hundreds? Nobody show him the Falco video*, he'll have a fucking stroke.
  • They're not distasteful, they're tasteless. Because they're made of water.
  • It's not the company's fault you can't pun drink names from "Poseidon" or "Edmund Fitzgerald".

If you're going to be offended at entertainment, believe me, ocean liner ice cubes are the least of your problems. I do the Netflix Instant Streaming thing, which means I am occasionally exposed to video titles I never wanted to know about. So, in what is destined to be my equivalent to Patton Oswalt's "Deathbed: The Bed That Eats People", allow me to introduce you to Tugger. ACTUAL DESCRIPTION TIME!

Tugger: The Jeep 4x4 Who Wanted to Fly - This uplifting animated film tells the story of Tugger (voice of James Belushi), a plucky Jeep who was damaged during World War II. Ever since mechanics replaced his engine fan with an airplane propeller, Tugger's been wishing he could fly. His new job towing planes around an airfield might just give him a chance to fulfill his dream. Carrot Top voices Tugger's best buddy, a short-wave radio named Shorty.

Over the past five years at You Are Dumb Dot Net, I have repeatedly claimed to be redefining my personal vision of Hell. And each time, it was mostly true. But from now on, if I ever say that? I'm lying for comedic effect. Because this movie is hell. This is the Dante's Inferno of blurbs, taking the reader on a guided tour of every possible torment. There's the circle of uplifting animated movies, the circle of Jim Belushi, the circle of pluckiness, the circle of plucky animated characters voiced by Jim Belushi with an uplifting dream, and, of course an entire circle of hell populated entirely by Carrot Top playing a short-wave radio named Shorty.

If I ever need to do a fundraiser for this column, I promise you, I will set a goal and collect money, and when I reach that goal, I will watch Tugger: The Jeep 4x4 Who Wanted To Fly, in its entirety, and write about its horrors for a solid week. So let's all hope for my continued gainful employment in the public sector, OK?

And finally, from North Carolina, comes the story of Cecil Bothwell, duly elected Asheville City Councilman, and, depending on who you ask, an atheist. Now, North Carolina, being North Carolina, still has a state Constitutional prohibition on atheists holding public office. A prohibition that cannot be enforced, thankfully, because of the federal Constitution's prohibition on religious tests for holding public office. A fact that is not stopping dumbass Jesus-freak assholes from trying anyway. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I'm not saying that Cecil Bothwell is not a good man, but if he's an atheist, he's not eligible to serve in public office, according to the state constitution." - H.K. Edgerton, who the Asheville Citizen-Times describes as both a former president of the Asheville NAACP, and someone who "is known for promoting “Southern heritage” by standing on streets decked out in a Confederate soldier's uniform and holding a Confederate flag." In other words, a deeply, deeply, deeply fucked up individual, who should really not be making any kind of proclamations regarding who is, or is not, fit for office.

May I suggest, as a possible compromise solution, that Bothwell be allowed to remain in office while North Carolina goes through the process of amending its Constitution? It would clear up the pesky legal issue once and for all, but more importantly, I could get so much mileage out of the opposition I wouldn't have to write about weaksauce Democrats for weeks.

*I absolve myself of all responsibility should you search YouTube on "Falco Titanic", by the way.