Constant Craven

« February 2010 »

Memo to The Usual Homophobes And A Rabbi: YOU ARE DUMB.

One of the luxuries of being a daily column, rather than a blog, is that I don't always feel compelled to be "a la minute", as it were. So while the rest of the world spends their day talking about what some moron wrote on her hand to remind herself of which stupid shit she was getting paid a hundred grand to spout, I can kick back and spend some time in last week, when Don't Ask, Don't Tell's potential repeal was still all the rage. And when I say "rage", I mean "gay panic, threatened heterosexual insecurities, and political grandstanding unchanged since the late 90s". So enjoy this special, extra-long edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST AND DEFAMATORY THINGS!

""We can talk about this delicately or we can just be fairly direct. There are a lot of 18-year-old, old-fashioned, testosterone-laden men in the military who are tough guys. They're often politically old-fashioned or conservative; they are not necessarily at the vanguard, in many cases, of accepting alternative forms of lifestyle." - Michael O'Hanlon, of the Brookings Institute, on CNN.

Many people have already mocked Michael Hanlon for his completely straight, not curious in the slightest obsession with testosterone-laden, tough guy 18-year-olds. I think his "small tent" Republicanism has been pitched for all to witness. What confuses me about O'Hanlon's stance is that, after years of hard-bitten R. Lee Ermey and R. Lee Ermey-esque drill sergeants glorified in the kinds of movies that also give the O'Hanlons of the world completely heterosexual boners, how do they now get off saying that soldiers shouldn't be forced to do things they don't like? Soldiers don't get to be comfortable with the temperature of their war zones, the quality of their meals, the amount of sand in their undercarriages, the amount of armor on their Humvees, or the odds that the shoddy Halliburton wiring will electrocute them while their in the shower. But as soon as they're a bit hesitant to accept "alternative forms of lifestyle" (a phrase that would be offensive if it weren't so hilariously awkward), we're supposed to coddle them and check under their bed for the Big Bad Homo? Please.

"Let’s go back to the Military Times in 2008 had a poll of active duty military members. Fifty-eight percent said they were opposed to overturning this policy. And many have said that this will cause them to reconsider whether or not they will stay in the military. And it will have an impact upon recruiting. I mean this is an issue of retention and recruitment for the military and it ultimately could lead back to the imposition of a draft in order to fill the numbers and quotas in the military." - Tony Perkins, Family Research Council.

Tony Perkins is right! Well, no, he's wrong, but I'm about to embark on a satirical extrapolations of the principles he espoused in terms of homosexuality, only hilariously transposed to a different, and much more historically accurate, frame of reference. Normally, it's bad form to explain a joke like that, but after I typed "Tony Perkins is right", took three showers, and lit some incense, I still felt dirty on the inside, so I figured I'd better clarify that right away.

Anyway, my point is, we should clearly do away with any policy the government imposes on the military that might drive down recruitment numbers. And nothing drives down recruitment numbers like actually going to war. Especially a ridiculous war like the one in Iraq. I mean, the Iraq war was so bad for recruitment that the numbers were down even after the Army started lying to ex-cons to get them to sign up. Clearly, if we want to avoid a draft in order to fill the numbers and quotas in the military, we need to pull out of Iraq now. And pulling out of Afghanistan wouldn't hurt recruitment, either.

"Thirteen months before 9/11, on the day New York City passed homosexual domestic partnership regulations, I joined a group of rabbis at a City Hall prayer service, pleading with God not to visit disaster on the city of N.Y. We have seen the underground earthquake, tsunami, Katrina, and now Haiti. All this is in sync with a two thousand year old teaching in the Talmud that the practice of homosexuality is a spiritual cause of earthquakes We plead with saner heads in Congress and the Pentagon to stop sodomization of our military and our society. Enough is enough.” - Rabbi Yehuda Levin, Rabbinical Alliance of America

Congratulations, my Jewish friends! You've got an insane theocrat too! I'm not sure how Yehuda Levin flew under my radar for so long. You'd think anyone who uses phrases like "stop the sodomization of our military and our society" would have shown up in my media at one time or another before this. That said, I have an almost begrudging respect for Rabbi Levin that I don't have for O'Hanlon or, say, John McCain, because Levin clearly believes his insane rantings. Nobody who didn't firmly believe that butt sex causes earthquakes would also admit to believing that God waited a year and a month to punish New York City for its domestic partnership laws by sending Islamic terrorists to crash planes into the World Trade Center.

In fact, I'd love to see Khalid Sheikh Mohammed use Levin's words as a defense in his trial - that he wasn't in control of his actions, and he was merely implementing Yahweh's punishment for the sodomization of society. If only the guy didn't really, really hate Jews.

"Stunning assault on the all-volunteer military, the very best in the world. Barack Obama now intents to treat them like lab rats in a radical social experiment, and it can be very, very detrimental. In other words, this isn’t about rights. This isn’t about fairness. It’s all about national security. And apparently, Mr. Obama has forgotten it. Now, here’s what’s next. NAMBLA members, same-sex marriages. Are chaplains in the U.S. military going to be required to perform those kinds of rituals? Do they get government housing? - Ollie North, bored because he doesn't have any weapons to buy from Iran anymore, on Fox News.

Ollie North needs some new material. I mean, NAMBLA? In 2010? That'd be like me making a joke about Fawn Hall and a shredder. You know, after looking it up to remember who the hell Fawn Hall was. I do appreciate North's attempt to combine the gay marriage talking point, that priests are going to be forced at gunpoint to solemnize gay marriages, with the gays in the military talking point that homosexuals will ruin the military. Oh noes! Military chaplains are going to be forced to hold gay marriages! Because, you know, the only reason they have chaplains now is so they can preside over opposite-sex military marriages.

Oh, and a "radical social experiment" would be if we stopped giving disgraced political figures radio talk shows and pundit jobs, and instead handed them orange aprons and brooms and told them we don't care how much time you spent in Nicaragua, that sawdust in Aisle 8 isn't going to sweep itself up.

"The military is not civilian life. I think the folks that have been in the military... that have been in these very close situations with each other, there has to be a special bond there. But that bond is broken if you open up the military to transgenders to hermaphrodites to gays and lesbians. Yeah, that's gonna be... uh, uh, uh... part of this whole thing. It's not just gays and lesbians. It's the whole gay lesbian transgender bisexual community. If you're going to let anybody in no matter what sexual preference that they have, that means the military's going to let everybody in." - California congressman Duncan Hunter, flipping out on NPR.

Duncan Hunter was kind enough to reinforce a suspicion I've had for years - that all he and his ilk know about gay people, and all they want to know, is what they've learned from secretly masturbating to freakish porn on the Internet. How else would you explain Duncan Hunter leaping from a gay soldier wanting to stay in the military even if people find out he's gay, to a camo-headband orgy of trannies and chicks-with-dicks? I mean, kudos to him for remembering the common discourse terminology, but you know when he gets home, that's not what he's typing into his search engine of choice.

Plus, Hunter was doubly kind to use a phrase you'll hear a lot in this debate from bigoted assholes: "special bond". It sounds good, doesn't it? Part of the whole idealized mythology we've built up around our military. You see, soldiers share a special kind of friendship, camaraderie, and interdependence that gay soldiers are biologically incapable of sharing due to their constant, insatiable craving for cock. Other code words for the neverending perverse predilections of the predatory homosoldier include "unit cohesiveness", "military readiness", and "shower"

This shit never changes. And the only way to stop it is to repeal DADT, let gays serve openly in the military, and then go a few years without any harmful effects. Which, by the way, is what everyone in today's column, with the possible exception of Rabbi Levin, knows will happen. They just know that when it happens, they'll have lost political power, so they'll keep fighting it tooth and nail, lest the pigfucking bigots vote teabagger in 2010.