How Not To Spend Your Weekend

« February 2010 »

Memo to the Conservative Political Action Conference: LET THE GLORIOUS COMEDY FLOW.

Why can't CPAC be all year round? It's like Christmas, except that Santa brings boxes full of stupidity instead of toys. And Santa's racist. It kicks off today, and I'm sure hilarity will ensue. Not, you know, the intentional hilarity - they think a Nancy Pelosi pinata is funny, after all - but plenty of stuff they would be horrified that we're laughing at. You know, like XPAC.

I mean, let's start with the name. Those of us who are familiar with the grappling arts know that nothing good ever came with the name X-Pac attached. And yet, no matter how much people hated X-Pac, every few years, he'd show up again somewhere else to ruin things for a while. You know, like Republicans, only greasier and with a scraggly beard. And just like X-Pac, XPAC is under the mistaken impression that it's entertaining. But what, exactly, is XPAC? Is there some kind of press release I could pull a quote from?

XPAC 2010 is an entertainment experience targeting 'generation next' who plan to attend CPAC. Experts say the energy behind the event sends a serious message to the future of elective politics.

I love the way that sentence manages to create unspeakable horror with nearly every word pairing. "Entertainment experience". Awful. "Experience targeting". Marketing vomit. "Generation next". I dare not even dignify that with a joke. "Attend CPAC". What a horrible idea. Especially if it's going to be full of entertainment experiences targeting Generation Next. Still, for completeness' sake, I suppose we should figure out just what that entails. Bet it'll suck.

"We're gonna have the most popular games. There'll be Guitar Hero. There'll be Dance Revolution. There'll be Call of Duty." - radio host Kevin McCullough, who, along with Stephen Baldwin, had nothing better to do than hook up a few Xboxen and put out a bowl of chips so that aspiring Young Republicans can kick back, entertain themselves, and maybe even learn something. You know, like the fact that "Dance Dance Revolution" has two fucking DANCES IN THE NAME. But surely, there'll be more there than the dregs of an EBGames used bin, right?

"I wouldn't be surprised if somebody of Joe-the-Plumber stature came in three times a day to come in and rally the kids." - CPAC spokesman Ian Walters. OK, that's just sad. If it weren't for their ridiculous logo, I'd almost feel bad about making fun of it. Like kicking a puppy. Or a puppy-shaped slug. The logo has a flag-filled bold X next to an Impact-lookin' "XPAC 2010", which I think would make it technically XXPAC 2010. And the whole thing is amateurishly "distressed" with the erase brush of a Photoshop knockoff. Could this get any more embarrassing? OF COURSE IT CAN.

It will be the scene of a late-night "rap/jam session" on Thursday and a conservative comedy lineup on Friday.'s Strategy Room will also be broadcasting from the XPAC Lounge. - Fox News, "covering" this "story" on their "news" website.

Hah. "Conservative comedy lineup. Not coincidentally, Steven Crowder's involved in organizing this thing. I guess someone has had to resort to creating events that he can then book himself to appear at. But it gets even better. How? They're going to charge admission. Twenty bucks for a three day pass to a room with seven -- presumably borrowed -- game consoles, the comedy stylings of Steven "free on YouTube" Crowder, and the off chance that someone as important as Joe The Plumber might encourage them to stay active in the conservative movement.

My advice to young Republicans attending CPAC? Spend that $20 on CRAC. It'll be more fun, and probably have less negative impact on your future career than pictures of you playing Wii Sports in the 2010 Loser Lounge. Or the eventual criminal record you'll get by following in the footsteps of, I shit you not, XPAC Award For Impact 2010 winner James O'Keefe.

In any other world, this would be the defining clusterfuck. But this is CPAC, baby. This is just the potato skin appetizer to the full-on TGI Fuckhead's entree. This is gonna be awesome.