Wants The World To Know, Has To Let It Show

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Minnesota's mess of a governor, Tim Pawlenty, came out this weekend. Not out of the closet. I mean, that would have been hilarious, but the dude was at CPAC and on Meet The Press this weekend, and those are some hellishly bad places to tell the world you're gay. Hell, at CPAC, your only hope is to make a run for the GOProud booth before the crowd decides to stab you with Ron Paul buttons or bludgeon you with remaindered copies of Going Rogue. Timmeh also is in this month's Esquire, but since a glorified men's fashion magazine is a great place to admit you're gay, we'll do like journalists do and ignore it because it's not part of the narrative.

No, Timmeh came out as a Conservative of the National Stage, which is like Broadway, only for straight white people. Most people figure this is yet another sign that he's going to run for President in 2012, which would be awesome for this website and unpleasant for America. In the hopes of forestalling one or the other, I thought I'd give Timmeh a very special You Are Dumb Dot Net report card on his performance this week.


One of the most entertaining things about a Pawlenty presidential candidacy is that, as I've said before, the motherfucker's an opportunist, not a true believer. So watching him dart all over the conservative spectrum in an attempt to pander to everyone will be like watching Mitt Romney footage from '08, only on fast-forward. I mean, look at the line he takes on Meet The Press, along with my special annotations:

"The climate is obviously changing, David. (This is to make him look serious and rational on a national news show.) The more interesting question is how much of it is man-made and how much is as a result of natural causes and patterns. (Dog-whistle to the Inhofe crowd) Of course, we have seen data manipulation and controversy, or at least debate within the scientific community... (Blatant lie followed by an ass-covering false equivalency) And the way you address it is we should all be in favor of reducing pollution. We need to do it in ways that don’t burden the economy. Cap and trade, I think, would be a disaster in that regard. " (And back to sounding reasonable, at least for a Republican these days.)

I didn't see the video, so it's impossible to tell from the quote if Yosemite Sam was actually shooting at Timmeh's feet, but that quote had something for everyone, as long as "everyone" is at least deluded enough to think that you can reduce pollution without placing serious economic pressure on polluters. AKA, Timmeh's primary audience. Fucking astonishing.POP-CULTURE REFERENCING: F

In his CPAC speech, Timmeh told the mouthbreathers that they should treat big government the way Tiger Woods' wife treated him - "take a 9 iron and smash the window out of big government in this country." This is a shitty, shitty analogy on every single level. If "big government" is the car, then smashing the window out of it will accomplish very little. The car will still drive fine, we'll just have to clean the glass out of the trunk and put up some plastic sheeting while we check to see if we have full glass coverage and/or full crazy-bastard-with-a-golf-club coverage.

And if the car is big government, and it's being "driven" by a half-black dude, does that mean our ultimate goal is to send government careening into a tree, injuring the driver? What does the tree represent? What about the months of sex addiction therapy? I've completely lost the thread of the metaphor at this point, and if this is the best that Timmeh has to offer, I anxiously await his future pop-culture analogies, because figuring them out is more challenging than sudoku.


It doesn't happen often enough, but sometimes, when a political figure says something that makes no fucking sense, and might have some unintentional racial overtones, someone in a position of media power will ask them about it. Sure, that media person will accept their answer at face value, but we can still draw conclusions from the quality of that answer. And so it was with Timmeh and Tiger and Meet The Press. ACTUAL ASS-COVERING TIME!

"Well, I think people still enjoy a sense of humor and if we have gotten the point where you can't make a joke, we're in trouble." - Nobody has ever, in the history of politics, gotten away with the "it was just a joke" defense. It's an awful, awful defense, especially if the joke is an awful, awful joke. If Timmeh doesn't know any better than that, he needs better writers.


"President Obama was in a grade school classroom speaking to elementary school children and he was using a teleprompter. You've got to be kidding me. That's not a joke. That's a real story." - Timmeh at CPAC, fluffing the nutters.

Since Obama spoke off the cuff to the schoolchildren, and had the suddenly and inexplicably nefarious teleprompter in play during the subsequent press appearance in a different room, I'm afraid they do have to be kidding you, it is a joke, and it's not a real story. Does he believe this bullshit? Does he just know the C-tards will eat it up? Either way, it's another failing grade.


Remember that Esquire interview I mentioned? In it, Pawlenty struck a moderate, reasonable tone on Social Security and Medicare, which is good. Of course, his moderacy and reasonabilitude pretends the amped-up rhetoric on those fronts doesn't exist. Specifically, "I don’t think anybody’s gonna go back now and say, Let’s abolish, or reduce, Medicare and Medicaid." Obviously, Pawlenty doesn't read You Are Dumb, or he'd have seen Batshit Bachmann doing just that, and a reference to Paul Ryan's budget that does just that. I'm not sure why he doesn't read here. I'm sure he'd find it very educational. The fuckstick.


Fourth place with six percent, even after making fun of Obama's teleprompter. Man, that's rough. A point behind Sarah Palin, fifteen points behind the Mormon Muppet, and a whopping 24 points behind Ron "Reinstate The Gold Standard" Paul. God, I love CPAC so much. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The only dude who did worse than Timmeh is Mike Huckabee. And while that brings a warm glow to my heart, it's clearly not good for Timmeh.


Timmeh's DADT answer on Meet The Press wasn't actually good. That's not why he earns top marks. No, the great thing about his answer, which was essentially pretending the military still thinks it works and should stay, so he's just following the military? That's identical to what John McCain's been doing. And any time Tim Pawlenty follows John McCain's strategy, he'll get an A+ from me.