So, Wait, It WILL Be Televised?

« February 2010 »

Memo to Kurt Schlichter: YOU ARE DUMB.

Ah, Big Hollywood. Every once in a while, you show signs of being the endless font of idiocy you were born to be, instead of what you've grown into - part of a mini-web-empire whose sole purpose is to document Andrew Breitbart's descent into booze-soaked, rage-stroking madness. And so it is with Kurt Schlichter, who clues us in to a startlingly bad development in the world of entertainment by telling us how awesome it's going to be.

The good news is that Schlichter is writing in the BH house style, which is to exaggerate every single aspect of a minor story in order to turn it into an epic battle for America's soul, when in reality it's a slapfight for some loose change. ACTUAL INTRO TIME!

"It is more than just interesting how advertisers are rebelling against free television’s current crop of lurid, creepy content. For the Hollywood elite, this is a canary in the coal mine, and they should heed that figurative dead bird’s warning. Their time as the sole arbiters of what will and will not be seen is ending. And the conservative movement stands to gain."

Let's spend a few moments deconstructing that tidbit, shall we? "More than just interesting", for starters. I mean, if it were merely interesting, it couldn't possibly be worth the valuable time of Kurt "former standup comic and current lawyer" Schlichter. It must be something momentous, game-changing, and epic. You know, like his most recent article, which I have helpfully retitled "I'm Old And Don't Recognize Most Of The People In The New We Are The World, So The Entertainment Industry Sucks" to give you a clear idea of both its content and its narrative weight.

Next, "advertisers are rebelling". This is a bold claim that is of course completely unsupported by any facts. At best, it may be technically true, based on the fact that plurals start at two, and "rebelling" is in the eye of the beholder. Also note the use of "free television", meaning network TV. Careful readers, in short supply at Big Hollywood, would realize that Schlichter has already narrowed the scope of his momentous world-changing rebellion to a tiny, and shrinking, fraction of the television industry. And of course, it finishes with the usual braggadocious prediction of conservative victory over the dreaded Hollywood Elite, which I will believe when I see it and continue freely respirating in the meantime. So what humble news story has inspired Kurt's flights of fancy? Prepare to be sub-underwhelmed.

"The world’s biggest retailer, Wal-Mart Stores, and Procter & Gamble, the world’s biggest consumer-products maker, are jointly creating a made-for-TV movie, in an effort to promote “family-friendly” alternatives to what they say is increasingly risqué TV fare. The two advertising heavyweights have teamed up on the two-hour "Secrets of the Mountain," to be broadcast in April on NBC. The movie, which focuses on a single mother who brings her family to a mountainside cabin, highlights values—such as generosity, honesty and togetherness—that Wal-Mart and P&G executives say are in short supply on television."

OH SHIT! Network television had better watch the fuck out! There's gonna be a family-friendly TV-movie on NBC! During a non-sweeps month! And those bastions of American values, Wal-Mart and Procter And Wingnuts Think They're Satanists, are pulling the strings instead of elitist Hollywood raunchmongers! It will likely be both warm and fuzzy, which will poison the liberal canaries in their coalier-than-thou mines! Mines that coldn't even be metaphorically dug in the molehill that Schlichter thinks is a mountain.

That's really all you need to know about Schlichter's column. Well, there are a few other funny things. His constant use of the term "Hollywoodoids" as if it weren't the fifth most awkward coinage in the entire non-Victoria history of Big Hollywood. And how he thinks this hearkens back to a simpler time, the 1950's, when corporations put their names right in the titles of TV shows and everything was perfect. Sure, women may have been second class citizens and blacks third-class, but hey, there weren't any men kissing each other!

But mainly, Schlichter just works his dichter into a lather, fapping away at his fantasy of an earthquake that will join teabaggers, prudes, and corporations in a family-safe orgy that will crush the forces of the Left once and for all, until finally climaxing with "Welcome to the Revolution!". It is unknown at this time whether Schlichter then felt any shame whatsoever, but fuck knows he should have.

I hate to break it to Kurt, but if corporate-sponsored schmaltzy TV movies were actually a harbinger of conservative dominance, then how is it that the launch of the Hallmark Channel, featuring nothing but corporate-sponsored schmaltzy TV movies, happened just six months before the election of the elitist socialist communist Barack Obama? Grab a sock and a Xanax and clean yourself up, dipshit.