Minimum Safe Distance

« April 2010 »

Memo to the readership: I'M OK. YOU CAN STOP WORRYING.

Now, admittedly, most of you weren't worrying. But that's because most of you don't know I spent several hours this afternoon in a basement office just one block away from the highest concentration of stupidity I've ever been exposed to - the Michelle Bachmann rally at the Minneapolis Convention Center featuring Sarah Palin.

If you must know, I was busy helping government be part of the solution, in my own small way. Meanwhile, a few scant hundreds of feet away, two women who are only famous because they built careers in government were convincing an audience of local mouthbreathers that government is the problem.

And reading the reports after the fact, all I can say is this. If stupid had half the range of Wi-Fi, I'd be drooling out of at least three orifices by now, and would have renamed this site Big Dumb. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I think I heard someone say repeal. You better believe it, baby. Repeal is what this girl is going to be all about after November! Two years from now, President Obama will be a one-term president. Because we are going to elect the boldest, strongest, most courageous, rock-ribbed constitutional conservative president this country's ever seen! We're there!" - Bachmann.

The best part is the way she conflates time frames. We're there right now because she's going to be all about repeal in November, a repeal which is of course doomed to failure unless Obama is a one-term president after 2012. Being out there isn't the same as being there, Michele.

And man, what a collection of qualifications for their 2012 nominee to live up to? Bold, like salsa! Strong, like paper towels! Courageous, like fictional characters! Rock-ribbed, for her pleasure! Constitutional, like the separation of church and state! And of course conservative. I can only assume that somewhere, in a vat, is growing a Republican version of Serpentor, containing genes from Glenn Beck, John Wayne, Joe Ratzinger, Ollie North, and Ted Haggard. Otherwise, there's no way Bachmann will be satisfied come 2012.

And speaking of satisfaction, don't tell anyone, but I think the GOP may have another lesbian bondage problem on its hands.

"I knew that we'd be buddies when I met her when she said, 'Drill here, drill now,' And then I replied, 'Drill baby drill,' and then we both said, 'You betcha!'" - Palin, on Bachmann.

"As absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as this woman is on the outside, I am here to testify she is 20 times more beautiful on the inside. - Bachmann on Palin.

Oh, baby. I think the C in C-Span stands for "Cinemax". Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit for about a week and a half. Sometimes, even I can't handle the images I put into heads, and Palin and Bachmann making the beast with no brains is pretty rough stuff.

But other than the intense nausea, I just wanted you to know that I'm safe. Or at least as safe as anyone else is in a world where people take these two fuckwits even remotely seriously.