« April 2010 »

Memo to Itawamba Ag, Jack Cassell, and Scott Southworth: YOU ARE DICKS.

In this tough economy, it's important to focus on sectors that are thriving, and I'm here today to tell you that dicks are a growth industry in America. It seems like you can't even round a corner these days without getting slapped in the face by a dick. You'd think dicks would be over-exposed, but no matter how often they show up, people never seem to get sick of dicks. That's why I'm highlighting three of America's most prominent dicks in this week's SPASDICK TOPDICK MONKEYDICK FRIDICK!

A while back, I told you about Itawamba Agricultural High School in Mississippi. At the time, I thought they were about as big as a dick could get, because they cancelled their high school prom rather than let a lesbian teen wear a tux and bring her girlfriend. At the time, I truly believed it was a dick move to end all dick moves, but Itawamba Ag's love of dick surprised even me.

They held a private prom. No, wait, that's not right. I'm missing a key element here. They held TWO private proms. And they invited Constance McMillen to one of them. And then everyone went to the other one. Well, not everyone. Eight other people attended the prom with Constance, including her girlfriend, and two learning-disabled students. No, really. These fuckers are making the rest of Mississippi look bad, which shouldn't even have been possible, but they pulled it off. Why? Because they're dicks.

As a urologist, one would hope that Florida doctor Jack Cassell would be familiar with every dick move in the book, assuming Gray's Anatomy has a penis chapter. And certainly, he took a page from the wang-tomes that line his many shelves when he put up a tacky little sign outside his office door. ACTUAL SIGN TIME!

"If you voted for Obama…seek urologic care elsewhere. Changes to your healthcare begin right now, not in four years."

Now, this is pretty fucking cockly of him, don't get me wrong. But clearly, Dr. Cassell sprung for the unabridged versions of Dr. Schlong's Girthy Guide to Meat Maximization, because he did the one thing guaranteed to cube his original dick move. Go on national media and reveal that he hasn't the slightest fucking idea what he's talking about. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well you know, I can’t tell you exactly what the deal is. I’m not the guy who wrote the plan." - Cassell, inexplicably going on Alan Colmes' radio show, apparently under the impression that he was friends with Sean Hannity. Some of Dr. Cassell's patients have left him after learning of his political leanings, and the rest, I presume, will leave as soon as they go on WebMD and find out that leeches won't actually help you if it burns when you pee.

Unlike my previous examples, I will not accuse Scott Southworth of knowing anything about dick. I do this as a kindness to him, because I wouldn't want him to charge himself with sexual assault, as that is apparently what happens in Juneau County, Wisconsin, where Southworth is the attorney general, to anyone who displays penile knowledge (or, to use the legal term, forethought).

Here's the deal. Wisconsin passed a state law mandating scientifically accurate, age-appropriate sex ed in its schools, teaching students about contraceptives. An astonishing thing in a world where Obama just signed over a giant pile of money for abstinence-only sex ed as part of his new health care bill.

But Southworth warned Juneau County school officials that any attempt at a phonetically literal interpretation of "Juneau" when it comes to matters of the genitals would constitute sexual assault. Why? Because he's a prudish prick with serious issues. I thought maybe he was a conscientious legal mind worried about a strict interpretation of outmoded rural Wisconsin statute, but nope, he's a prick.<?p>

"In effect, the new law injects an intense amount of unnecessary politics into our human growth and development classrooms, and places our teachers and children into a position of discussing extremely controversial issues that will likely conflict with the religious beliefs and values of most Juneau County families." - Southworth, in his letter to the school board.

What controversial issues are these? Oh, things like the existence of homosexuals, the existence of transgender people, and wearing condoms. All incredibly political and controversial subjects to avoid... if you're some kind of rural dickweed lawyer who thinks a public schoolteacher's primary obligation is to avoid making the Baby Jesus cry. The school board is trying to decide how to proceed, but I hope they call this fuckwad's bluff. It'll be the most epic legal fail since Dover.