The Quest For Knowledge

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Memo to the American justice system: COUGH IT UP.

Today is April 15, which marks the start of the four-day Wingnut High Holy Days. Today is Tax Day, which is the day that multi-millionaire Sarah Palin convinces tens of thousands of the unemployed and the working poor to wave signs around about how taxes are too high. Nice work if you can get it, and apparently she can get it. And it ends with April 19, Tim McVeigh Day, AKA Waco Day. I don't know how they plan to celebrate it this year, but it'll probably be ugly, and funny in inverse proportion to how many people die.

But I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about a deep and abiding flaw in the American justice system. I also want to talk about Steven Seagal. Now, anyone who's watched more than five minutes of "Steven Seagal: Lawman" would be justified in thinking the previous two sentences are redundant, but Seagal's puffy, mumbling adventures as the third wheel in a cop car aren't what I'm talking about. Seagal is getting sued.

Now, I'm going to talk very seriously about the substance of the lawsuit before I go ahead and trivialize the living fuck out of it for comedy value, because if the allegations Kayden Nguyen make in her lawsuit are true, what happened to her was truly horrifying and unacceptable and should be treated accordingly by the court system. And I'm operating under the assumption the allegations are true.

Nguyen is saying that Steven Seagal hired her as a personal assistant and flew her down to New Orleans. When she got there, it was quickly made clear that "personal assistant" actually meant "portable docking station for Steven Seagal's penis". The lawsuit claims Seagal assaulted her on at least three occasions before she was able to get away, and that he refused to return the stuff she had to leave behind to escape unless she signed a statement saying she wouldn't report the assaults.

That is seriously shitty behavior, And it brings a whole new, unpleasant meaning to his "Asian Experience Flavor" energy drink.* This kind of shit is why Seagal continues to be the worst of the 80s action stars, sinking below even Michael Dudikoff and Jeff Speakman. Sex slavery and reality TV, and it's tough to tell which one's a greater crime against humanity.**

But here's the part that really drives me nuts, and it points out a serious flaw in the American justice system that needs to be rectified. Immediately, if not sooner. From a report on the lawsuit I found on MSN:

"Nguyen's lawsuit said she could identify a 'unique physiological reaction' that Seagal has to sexual arousal, which could be corroborated by the other "attendants." The suit did not specify what that reaction is."

I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable. I consider my life to be many things, but one of them is a constant quest for knowledge. And what Steven Seagal's unique physiological reaction to sexual arousal instantly leapt into the top five things I desperately need to know before I die. And yet the lawsuit doesn't mention it! That's just cruel.

I mean, it's a UNIQUE physiological reaction! that means it's something that, for all practical intents and purposes, nobody else does when they get turned on. But Seagal does it, in all his bloated, non-consensual glory. This fact had better be revealed at trial, preferably through a bit of subterfuge and surprise where he reveals it on the witness stand after a tied-up naked Russian woman is brought in front of him. On Court TV. By Andy Griffith.

Don't look at me like that. You know you're just as curious as I am***. What good is a world with a Freedom of Information Act when the mystery of Steven Seagal's freak-twitch remains hidden? I know all kinds of things I can't do anything about, like Bush's secret torture prisons, Obama's decision to assassinate an American citizen, and the renewal of The Marriage Ref. The universe owes me this. I need it. The only knowledge i have that would compare to this was when I learned that plushies (stuffed animal fetishists) loved fucking Meeko the Raccoon from Pocahontas more than any other stuffed animal they fuck. And that knowledge is, I'm sure, horribly out of date by now. And no, I'm not going to google "How To Fuck Your Dragon" to be sure. I will simply wait, patiently, for the moment that Seagal's uniqueness is finally shown to the world.

*If you're expecting an "Above The Law" joke, keep waiting. We strive for a more sophisticated form of hackery here at You Are Dumb Dot Net.

**No, not really. Although the sex slavery lawsuit is halting production of Steven Seagal: Lawman, so every cloud has a silver lining.

***Margin of error: plus or minus eighty percent.