The Benefits Of Competition

« April 2010 »

Memo to Joe Conason: SORRY, IT'S STILL STEVE KING.

Just yesterday, in Salon, the somewhat reliable Joe Conason penned a story entitled "Paul Broun: The New Stupidest Member Of Congress". Those are bold words. And while Salon does a reasonably good job on the whole journalism thing, I don't know why Conason didn't consult with the Internet's leading expert on stupid legislators. And like I said just two days ago, it's Iowa's Steve King.

At best, Broun can duke it out for third place, behind King and Jim Inhofe. On a good day, he can provide Batshit Bachmann with a decent fight. What motivated Conason to elevate Broun to lofty, undeserved heights? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The Constitution requires the federal government to count the number of people in this country every 10 years. It doesn’t require them to ask a lot of personal information. People are very concerned about an invasion of privacy, and I have those same concerns." - Broun, explaining why he filled in the number of people in his household, and left the rest of the form blank, when he filled out his census.

Now, this is deeply stupid. The rest of the information on the census form is required by law. Now, Broun may think that law is unconstitutional, but unless he's violating it deliberately so that he can take his criminal case to the Supreme Court to prove it, fuck him. And douchebags like Broun never actually intend to suffer the consequences of their civil disobedience. They figure they can skip that part, collect the kudos for being brave, and go on with their normal lives after admitting in public to violating federal law.

It's a valiant attempt, but like I said, only good enough for third, and only because Bachmann was so obviously trolling when she talked about how smart the teabaggers were at the teabag party yesterday that she gets docked several hundred points for sucking. Steve King has a fucking track record. And Steve King knows when you're trying to pass him, finds a new reserve of dumb, and sprints forward.

You may remember, a couple of months ago, that crazy guy who flew his plane into the IRS building. Steve King, who is the opposite of a super-genius, suggested that the attack happened because everyone hates the IRS, and if we'd just abolish the IRS like he suggested, the attack wouldn't have happened. I know. That's why he's the King, baby.

So today, a ThinkProgress reporter who sounds like a twelve-year-old confronted King over his statements justifying the attack, which killed one IRS employee. King flipped out like a ninja. A stupid, stupid ninja. With Twinkies instead of throwing stars. ACTUAL WINNING QUOTE TIME!

"Are you accusing me of that? Are you accusing me of that? Turn that camera off. I’m not going to have those allegations. You accuse me of murder. That is despicable behavior. That is despicable behavior for any American on this earth to do such a thing."

You really have to unpack this to get the depths of how stupid it is. First, obviously, the reporter accused King of JUSTIFYING murder, he didn't accuse him of murder. And second, accusing someone of murder isn't despicable behavior. Prosecutors and attorneys general do it all the time. Sure, he probably meant "falsely", but he didn't say "falsely", because he's very, very stupid.

Come to think of it, King's reaction was a bit... Lady Macbeth on steroids, wasn't it? Now I'm not saying Steve King has the corpse of an underage hooker buried in his backyard. I'm just saying the dude protested... a lot. Really quickly. To something he wasn't accused of. Which I think it's safe to chalk up to his immense, near-legendary moronality.

And then there's just King's ridiculous repetition, culminating in the awesome construction "for any American on this earth to do such a thing." A literal parsing of Steve King's statement reveals that Steve King wants only astronauts to accuse people of murder. Which would be very convenient for any uncaught murderers out there, given Obama's changes to the space program.

Good thing that's much too clever a plan for America's Stupidest Lawmaker to come up with, then.