No, Really, They Meet

« May 2010 »

Memo to Victoria Jackson: YOU WIN.

I've covered a lot of stupid and crazy people in my time at You Are Dumb, but I really think Victoria Jackson wins. And not just in the entertainment category, where she took the top prize in the Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade, but overall. She's not the most evil, and she's not the most damaging to society, but when it comes to knock-down, drag-out, not just ignorance, but an ignorance of one's own ignorance so deep that it becomes religious certitude? Jackson has no peer.

With all the other idiots in her weight class, there's always that doubt. The doubt that they're only dumb-for-pay. That they leave the Fox set or the book signing or go home to Wasilla and laugh at all the rubes buying into their chalkboard schtick. The size of that doubt varies from character to character, but it's always there. Never with Victoria. There's a raw honesty, like she's ripping open her skull, showing us how small her brain is, and begging us to tell her it's adorable.

When last we left Ms. Jackson*, on Friday, she was explaining to us how the Tea Party wasn't racist because white liberals make black people hate white people. She continues along this vein for a bit, then doubles down on the We're Not Racists kick. I think the lamey doth protest too much.

"Richie, the young, handsome reporter asked us to discuss the racism charges brought against the Tea Party movement.  I mumbled that I wouldn’t waste my breath replying to that accusation.  The Progressives are just worried that the November election is going to be a Conservative Victory.  Racism… pretty lame if you ask me.  My teenage daughter is on the front of the bus flirting with David, a black teenager."

Scott Baio could learn a thing or two about deflecting charges of racism from Jackson. She's letting her daughter flirt with one, and just to pound it home, they're at the front of the bus! In case you had any suspicions that the Tea Party were so tone-deaf they'd actually make the black sympathizers ride in the back. Please. I'm convinced half the black teabaggers don't even subscribe to the philosophy - they're just there for the extra attention caused by their rarity. You know, like hot chicks at nerdcons.

And then it happens. That glorious moment in every Victoria Jackson article, where she tells a story that makes her look awful, without the slightest realization of how awful it makes her look. Ready? Because it's... impressive. So impressive it earns the coveted ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Reporter Richie keeps bringing up the race thing, for over an hour.  Finally, I explode, 'The President is a Racist!  The “police acted stupidly” comment Obama made about the Crowley-Gates affair was the most racist thing I have heard in a long time.  And shame on the President for purposefully stirring up racial conflict!  It popped out of his mouth at the end of a health care speech when he was off Teleprompter!  Oops!  His Jeremiah Wright training leaking out!'  I immediately realized I’d given the NBC guy the fodder he was after.   I was caught in a tired moment and I didn’t even have my make-up on.  Well… Obama is a racist, but I don’t want to be involved in childish tit-for-tat whining."

First of all, nobody spent over an hour talking to Victoria Jackson about tea party racism. I know this for the same reason I know nobody spent an afternoon in the Tycho crater in nothing but their Bermuda shorts, or that nobody's done a high dive off of Mount Rushmore into a thimble. Some environments are so harsh that no human being can survive them.

Also: Obama the racist, Crowley-Gates, teleprompter, and Jeremiah Wright in what had to be like 20 ear-piercing seconds? You can't do that without bypassing the cortex and going straight for lizard-brain programmed stimulus-response. And double also, if you don't want to be involved in childish tit-for-tat whining, you're on the wrong fucking bus. You take out the racism and the ignorance, and most of what's left in the Tea Party motivation barrel is payback for eight years of correctly pointing out what a fuckup Dubya was. They're already calling the Gulf oil spill "Obama's Katrina", based on nothing more than geography and the fact that it's a disaster.

But enough preamble. The title of this article is "I MET SARAH PALIN! She wouldn't have used all-caps if she hadn't actually met Sarah Palin. So let's get to it.

"In Boston, after I had touched Sarah’s jacket with my finger, I had gone back to watching her talk to her fans when suddenly Sarah had turned around and our eyes met.  She did a double take and said, 'Oh!  I love you!'  She hugged me and then she said, 'Thanks for all you’re doing.  I want your autograph!' For the rest of the day I was speechless with a dumb grin on my face... Except when I had to give my speech.  I channeled Sarah and it went well."

I'm not even going to make the obvious joke about the dumb grin. I just want to scream, with every fiber of my being, THAT'S FUCKING IT? You title the article "I MET SARAH PALIN!", you spend paragraph after paragraph talking about how nicely you treat the black people on your bus and the time you yelled crazy things at a reporter, and this is the sum total of the interaction between Jackson and Palin? And i thought the promised meeting of dragons and helicopters in Reign of Fire was disappointing. No Wonder Twin powers activating, no merging into a giant fleshy Akira monster, just a bit of homoerotic subtext and two ditzes passing in the night.

At least there was that one Big Hollywood reader in the comments thread who chastised her for letting her daughter flirt with a black teenager. That was fucking hilarious.

*I've done the Janet and Outkast jokes, but I'm still going to call her Ms. Jackson because I bet the feminist construction gives her cooter-hives.