Does Whatever A Loser Can

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Memo to fanfilm nerds: YOU ARE DUMB.

Especially the fanfilm nerds at www.secretspidermanmovie.com. I mean, the Batman one, the Robin one, the for fucksake World's Finest one... at least these got made, as deluded and misguided as they were. The Secret Spider-Man Movie nerdthings are just -talking- about making a movie.

Across the board, the motives are... suspect at best. The World's Finest one, if you haven't seen it, has a huge "please don't sue us" notice at the end full of fanspeak like "homage" and "honor" and "icon" and "legend" which no judge in the world actually cares about. But these people have a lot of time on their hands, digital video is cheaper than monkey shit these days, and all they're really wasting is their lives in a new way.

Being fan films, of course, there's not the tiniest bit of originality in any of it. "Fan Creations" borders on oxymoron. Fandom is about slavish devotion to something someone ELSE created. So when a fan "creates" something based on what he's slavishly devoted to, all he can pour into it is every bit of low-budget production values you can manage. They can't create or add something, because if they could, they wouldn't want to dress up in Jedi robes and wave a stick around in the first place. Fucksake, the Robin and World's Finest ones are just trailers for a fake/unmade "movie", and these TRAILERS are just like every summer movie trailer ever.

But the pinnacle of unkempt, vaguely soiled, zombie nerddom has to be the Secret Spider-Man Movie. They're out to save the entire fucking universe from crappy superhero movies like Daredevil, Catwoman, X-Men, X-Men 2, Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, and oh, by the way, every single superhero movie ever made. These movies failed because they diverged (even the tiniest bit) from their original source material, you see. And since that crime against humanity cannot be allowed to stand, a few brave souls will, and this is their actual plan, I swear to Vishnu... they're going to make their own version of Spider-Man 3 that's 100% faithful to the comic, bring it to Marvel, and once Marvel sees it can be done, Marvel will pressure Sony and Columbia to take the exact same approach with the REAL Spidey 3.

To say this goal is unrealistic would be a smidge understatementesque. Every single person involved in this project has a greater probability of having a night of wild, passionate abandon with Kirsten Dunst AND Jessica Alba than they have of even getting someone at Marvel to take their call to tell them they can't bring their movie over, much less influence the creative direction of Spidey 3. In case you think I'm being hyperbolic, allow me to remind you of Amazing Fantasy #20, page 4, panel 2, where Peter Parker CLEARLY informs Aunt May that he cannot take out the garbage because it is ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"They underestimated the audience, they made changes that didn't need to be made just to simplify the story. They altered the history Spider-Man the comic, and in doing so they have created an entirely new and misinformed legion of comic fans who now believe Spidey shoots webs organically. This might not seem like a big deal in the scheme of things, but we look at it as just the beginning. It's only going to get worse. With 20 new comic films in development as we speak, other studios will see that box office doesn't depend on authenticity, but rather on celebrities, special effects, and glitz. The history of all comics are at great risk!"

Look, you psychos, I'm going to tell you something every single one of your girlfriends has told you at one time or another. Maybe it'll sink in this time, because it's ON THE INTERNET. Just because you like something... hell, just because you love something more than life itself, that DOES NOT MAKE IT YOURS. I don't care how much you love Buffy, the bank will still not let you cash checks made out to Joss Whedon. I don't care how much you've spent, in time, energy, and money, on merchandise and cosplay and letter writing campaigns and websites and LiveJournals and message boards. At the end of the day, for all your effort, you're just a consumer. Your job is to consume. You have, and you can count this on your dick if you want, ONE piece of input into the creative process, and that is to GO or NOT GO; BUY or NOT BUY. If you had something to say, or something to contribute, you'd be behind the table and not in the audience.

And that, frankly, is how it should be. Even the astonishingly incompetent people who made Catwoman did not do it because they have been waiting all their lives to accurately translate Catwoman to the screen.* They did it because they (somehow) make movies for a living and someone scraped up 100 million dollars and flung it around VERY cavalierly. And as awful as they are, they are about 22% less DUMB than you lot.

* Obviously.