Finally, I'm An Oppressed Minority

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Memo to Darrell Van Citters, Joe Lieberman, and Rand Paul: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's actually startlingly difficult for me to be offended by media and society. I mean, yeah, I'm a nerd, but the media's negative portrayal of nerds just shines a light on the Nerds Who Ruin Shit. And I'm an atheist, but that just means there's nobody they can put in a cartoon who'll piss me off. And South Park even tried. And failed miserably. But there is one minority group I'm a part of with a Native-American-Mascot-level offensive portrayal. To find out what it is, keep reading this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

""Why did he ever leave? He was such a strong character. He's a character based on human truth and human failings, and that's what makes him resonate with audiences." - Darrell Van Citters, amateur historian of an old cartoon character, quoted by the USA Today in an article about a supposed comeback of that character.

That character? MR. MOTHERFUCKING MAGOO. Who is not blind, as is commonly assumed, but is in fact severely nearsighted, refuses to wear glasses, and as a result almost dies at the many high-rise buildings in a constant state of construction mere blocks from his house.

As a severely nearsighted person, trust me. This shit never happens. If I didn't wear my contact lenses, I would not narrowly avoid disaster and accidentally foil crimes. I would die. Maybe quickly, maybe slowly, but I'd be dead. I certainly wouldn't make it to Magoo's advanced age. Nobody would tell me I'd done it again, because I wouldn't live long enough to do anything twice.

So fuck Mr. Magoo, and fuck Van Citters and his talk of human failings, and fuck the USA Today for even writing an article about a Magoo comeback based on the release of one DVD collection. I'm finally exercising my right to be offended, dammit.

"You know the first time I met Linda McMahon was around that very subject. I was concerned and I was working with colleagues in the Senate, and Bill Bennett, about the messages that the World Wrestling was sending out to kids. And we had a good conversation. But you know, she's running for the Senate now, so I'm not gonna hold her accountable for anything she did in the past. I want to hear what her ideas are on foreign policy, domestic policy." - Joe Lieberman, managing to be correct while being wrong, an astonishing feat.

I haven't mentioned Linda McMahon's Senate run yet, have I? I don't think I have. And the main reason I haven't is that the only real comedy in it is a sort of "ha ha she's a Republican nominee but she presided over a wrestling company that hits people with chairs, mocks retarded people, and features necrophilia*." But I actually like the foul WWE programming McMahon helped put on the air a hell of a lot more than I like her actual political positions.

Which makes me the exact opposite of Joe Lieberman. Doubly so, because I'm not a fucking hypocrite. The WWE was in full raunchy swing when Lieberman was at his Bennett-hugging, video-game crusading, social-conservative worst. But he's not going to hold her accountable for that stuff, because, well, she's running as a Republican and Joe Lieberman understands full well the benefits of a properly-timed heel turn.

"It's been really a concerted effort by people who want to damage the tea party, people who want to make the tea party something it's not, people who want to characterize me as someone who I'm not. I take great pride in presenting myself as someone who is thoughtful, someone who is respectful and I see more of an intolerance on the left in the sense that they won't discuss the ideas in a sane way, other than to call me names and call me hateful things that really doesn't further the discussions of any of these problems in our country. - Rand Paul, talking to Neil Cavuto.

So that's what hiding out for a few weeks and replacing your communications staff gets you, huh? The old "The left is mean and calls me names just because I think about stuff" defense. The same one every idiot from Sarah Palin to Glenn Beck uses when they get caught saying something mind-numbingly stupid.

You know, Rand, there's a reason we can't discuss Tea Party ideas in a sane way. It's because discussing Tea Party ideas in a sane way is WRONG. It grants them a legitimacy they haven't earned. It's like discussing creationism in a sane way. It's like discussing restoring the gold standard in a sane way. It's like discussing the human truths revealed by Mr. Magoo in a sane way. It's impossible without redefining "sanity" in the exact same way wingnuts think gay marriage redefines "marriage". Rendering it meaningless and destroying the very institution of sanity.

You know what would really further the discussion of these problems in our country? Rand Paul losing in November.

*Your "helpful" Google term: "Katie Vick".