The Ultimate First World Problem

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Memo to everyone who bitched about Google's backgrounds last month: YOU ARE DUMB.

I know this is old news, but (a) I never got around to it after it happened, and (b) it's been a long week that ain't getting any shorter. So fuck it.

MC Frontalot has a song on his newest album (Zero Day) called "First World Problem". It includes a rhyming litany of things people whine about that would get your ass kicked by any truly suffering member of the world's population. For example, "GPS run out of battery", or "Had to wake up Saturday".

Well last month, Google created a First World Problem that put even "your yacht got capsized-er"* to shame. Google added a feature that lets you put your own background on Google. I don't know why you'd want to do this, but I'm one of those people who has Google search bars stuck into everything that'll let me stick one there, so the last time I was at Google's home page was to play Pac-Man.

Anyway, to promote the new feature, Google put a background on its page by default. And the Internet exploded with rage. No, I don't fucking know why either. But I found some examples. Using Google. From inside Firefox. Go figure. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This ridiculous, ugly background that you cannot turn off reminds me of the brilliant "New Coke" recipe fiasco. The Coca Cola Marketing VP was fired for that miserable campaign and they learned their lesson not to mess with a Classic. Turn it off please, since you obviously didn't provide us with the option of doing so without creating an account and logging in. Absolutely mind boggling." - One "Dawnuh" on the Google help forum.

I have to agree on one point. My mind is boggled. But for a different reason> Google's been around for years now. Google has repeatedly, over the course of those years, fucked with its classic home page for one reason or another. And every single one of those pagefuckings has lasted, and you all know this so you can shout it along with me if you want: TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS.

Which means one of two things. Either complainers were like Dawnuh, stupid enough not to know this, and thus stupid enough to compare it to "New Coke", which lasted for seven long years. Or they're so incredibly spoiled by the Information Age that twenty four hours with a background on Google - and not even an ugly, garish, or advertising background - just a pastoral scene nicer than what likely lives on all these whiners' desktops - was simply too much to bear.

You know how many complaints there were? Google stopped their 24-hour background after TWELVE HOURS. I would have changed it to a rotating series of penis pictures that changed every five minutes just out of spite, but I suppose that's why I don't run a multi-billion dollar Internet empire. Google tends to care what it's users think.

Which is a sound business strategy, but an irritating one when its users are a bunch of spoiled, whining dumbasses and/or watchdog nerds who only think about Rwanda when they crack wise about it on The Big Bang Theory**. Not to go all whippersnapper on you assholes, but I'm old enough to have rocked BBSs at 300 baud. And since they're not sending me search results character-by-character, slower than I can read them, I'm happy to assume that anything I don't like about their home page will be gone the next day.

Or sooner, if you fuckoids hate it more.

*It rhymes with "didn't like your appetizer". I don't shill for much, but fuck if this song isn't nine hundred pounds of awesome.

**I actually doubt they've ever done this, but the rough point still stands.