Are You Feeling Randy?

« July 2010 »

Memo to Rand Paul, Rand Paul, and Rand Paul: YOU ARE DUMB.

I still have a bitter taste in my mouth from almost sort of kind of agreeing with Ron Paul on Monday, so in true biblical fashion, or, you know, as close to biblical fashion as I can manage without knowing whether this kind of thing happens a lot in the Bible, I'm going to take it out on his son, the glibertarian self-licensed dentist and Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul. Luckily, even after embarrassing himself with that whole "civil rights is for interventionist suckers" talk, he's still an IDIOT willing to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS in public.

"I think whoever owns the property can do with the property as they wish, and if the coal company buys it from a private property owner and they want to do it, fine. The other thing I think is that I think coal gets a bad name, because I think a lot of the land apparently is quite desirable once it’s been flattened out. As I came over here from Harlan, you’ve got quite a few hills. I don’t think anybody’s going to be missing a hill or two here and there." - Rand Paul on mountaintop removal.

I don't know whether Paulian libertarian is laughably dangerous, or dangerously laughable. The idea that private property owners are completely free to do whatever they want to the property they own, regardless of its effects on society and the environment outside that property, is pure libertarian awesomeness. I'd love to see someone challenge Paul to apply the same private property principle to bestiality. A goat is property. I can own a goat. Ergo, Rand Paul thinks that if I wish to fuck that goat, it's fine by him.

Also, mountaintop removal is not the gentle flattening of a hill once they've taken all the coal out, allowing them to build a nice strip mall with a Panera and a day care. I mean, count the qualifiers in his sentence about how nice "hill-flattening" is. He thinks. A lot. Apparently. Quite. That sentence is two third qualifier to one third statement. Yeah, that's a sound basis for policy.

"I forgot to say I was only taking easy questions... I’m gonna have to pass on the age of the earth. I think I’m just gonna have to pass on that one. - Rand Paul, for the first time in his life realizing he shouldn't say something.

Now, on the one hand, Paul was responding to a question from a member of the Christian Homeschool Educators of Kenducky, or, as they are colloquially known, the CHUDs. Christian homeschoolers in Kentucky aren't looking for any answer larger than four digits here. So Paul punted rather than admit to not being a creationist.

On the other hand, he PASSED ON THE AGE OF THE EARTH. I honestly have no idea how you apply libertarian principles to the whole creationist issue. I suppose they eliminate the problem entirely by eliminating public schools, allowing the people who own the children to do whatever they want with them. Which would explain why Paul was talking to homeschoolers in the first place - if the libertarians have their way, everyone making under $500,000 a year will be homeschoolers.

"In the latter days of Rome, the economy was crumbling, the emperor... would placate the mob with bread and circus -- food and entertainment to placate them since the economy was in shambles and dwindling around them. Now in our country, as our economy is in shambles, they give us Cash for Clunkers and a stimulus check and they tell us to go to the mall and spend your money and everything will be OK... That's not how you become prosperous as an individual or a country." - Rand Paul, at a small rally.

Clearly, Rand Paul has never been to a circus. Or, apparently, eaten bread. Cash for Clunkers, woo, party! Everybody down to the dealership for the trade-in orgy! Also, nobody got a stimulus check. He's got that confused with Bush's tax rebate checks. And speaking of getting confused about shit Bush did, Obama hasn't been telling us to go to the mall and shop. That was Dubya's genius advice for us to recover after 9/11.

So, out of three examples of how Obama is the emperor of a crumbling empire, two of them were shit Bush did, and one was a program to encourage fuel efficiency and emissions through government rebates. I guess that last one offends Rand Paul's libertarian soul, which knows that whoever buys the Hummer can do whatever they want with it, including filling the tank with crude oil and letting it belch thick black smoke, driving over puppies and only getting half a puppy per gallon.

But that's Rand Paul for you: America's favorite puppy-crushing, goat-fucking, home-schooling libertarian. All the incomprehensible, society-hosing philosophy of his dad, with none of the pretension toward intellectual rigor. Gotta love it.