Hot Dogs Look Like Penises

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Memo to Takeru Kobayashi and Major League Eating: YOU ARE DUMB, BUT FUNNY.

If there's anything not hilarious about the July 4 dust-up on Coney Island during the annual hot-dog eating contest, I don't know what it is, and I don't want to find out.

If you haven't heard, and really, how could you not have heard? But if you haven't heard, here's what happened. Takeru Kobayashi attempted to rush the stage during the competition. Unfortunately, no matter what he tried, Klingon war-birds blew him up before he could manage to rescue the other contestants.

OK, that isn't PRECISELY what happened, but you see what I mean? You put a dude named Kobayashi in an unwinnable situation, and my mind instantly goes there. And so does yours. Don't try to pretend it didn't. I'll let you cop to knowing it from the new movie, but that's all the slack you're getting, nerds.

Then you have the absurdity of why he was forced to rush the stage in the first place. You see, Kobayashi, one of the world's leading lights in wiener-munching, was not allowed to participate in this year's hod-dog eating contest. Why? Because of a contract dispute with Major League Eating.

If you're unfamiliar with Major League Eating, I'm not surprised. You see, there's a thriving industry in America in attempting to turn stupid, fun, or stupid-fun shit into professional sports. Video games. Magic: The Gathering. Breaking the world record for deep-throating tubesteak. They even try it every couple of years with soccer. And it never works, because deep down, we all know how ridiculous it is.

The idea that Major League Eating thinks it has the social clout to have a contract dispute at all is hilarious. It's like calling a six-year-old's treehouse sign "gender discrimination". Oh, I'm sorry, but the man who invented "dunking the buns in water to make the whole process even more disgusting" isn't allowed in the annual circle-choke because you couldn't come to terms with him?

It's a HOT DOG EATING CONTEST. All you need to put one on is two tables, ten chairs, a Costco membership, and a couple of handy garbage cans for people to vomit in. Everything you do beyond that is superfluous, and none of it actually qualifies you to call yourself "Major League" anything.

Kobayashi's story is that he showed up just to spectate and cheer on his buds, but the crowd spotted him and chanted "Let Him Eat", at which point his boisterous enthusiasm for gobbling sausage got the better of him, and he leapt onto the stage, where he was promptly arrested.

First of all, fuck you, crowd. The only place you should be chanting "LET HIM EAT" is as part of an angry mob outside a compound where a political prisoner is undergoing a hunger strike. Chant it anywhere else, and you're just a dipshit. Second, what the fuck was Kobayashi thinking? If I were a famous hot-dog eating champion, I wouldn't SPEED. I wouldn't fucking LITTER. I wouldn't risk doing anything that might land me in jail, because the last place you want to be recognized as a hot-dog-eating champion is prison.

That said, here's what they charged him with: obstruction of governmental administration, resisting arrest, trespassing and disorderly conduct. You have got to be shitting me. We'll tackle these in reverse order, because disorderly conduct is the only one that makes the slightest bit of sense.

Trespassing? He was at a public event in a crowd, and then he jumped on a stage at a public event. That may fit some warped legal definition of trespassing where the edge of a stage marks a border with private property, but it doesn't meet any reasonable definition. Resisting arrest? Everyone gets charged with resisting arrest these days. Resisting arrest is just code for "making a police officer do something".

But what I'm really dying to know is what governmental administration was Kobayashi obstructing? He briefly, BRIEFLY! interrupted a fucking hot dog eating contest. Now, I'm no teabagger, but even I understand there are certain things the government should keep its hands out of, and this is one of them. Any government official who insists this contest is governmental administration should be fired. Then they can compete in their own hot dog competition - see how many they can afford in a month.