Making Apathy Epic. Epicthy.

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Memo to all those who think I should care: I DON'T GIVE 1.8 SHITS.

It's time for another installment of the very semi-regular Apathy Chronicles, in which I confound logic and deny reason by writing about topics I don't really care about. It seems counterintuitive, I know, but there's a certain type of story where the story itself is stupid and pointless, but the story around the story, or the means by which the story crosses my path, instills in me a certain brand of active, hateful apathy. I think of it as not giving around 1.8 shits. Considerably more, or less, if you will, than not giving a shit, but not quite not giving two shits.

For example, I don't give two shits about the Mel Gibson tapes. I mean, I'm glad people are having fun with them, and I'm glad that 90% of the universe has turned against him, but here's the thing. Some of us knew this about Mel for a while. We knew he was a nut. Us knowing preceded you knowing like oral sex precedes arson, is what I'm saying. We knew before The Sugartits Sanction, even. And the reason we knew is the same reason you didn't know: The Passion Of The Christ.

That's the only interesting part of this to me. Watching the churchies who bought theaters full of tickets over and over again to make Passion a financial success twist themselves in complete fucking knots over this. They claimed this turd as their own thinking it was gold, and now that it's proven to only be fool's turd, and a fool's turd that's a bit racist on top of it, they're stuck hiding their hands behind their backs and asking if any of us smell something. I enjoy that part of it a LOT.


I don't give a shit that Hiyao Miyazaki hates the iPad and thinks it's masturbatory. I'm pretty sure the various technology blogs that make up part of my daily reading WANTED me to care very much about it, as the story showed up on at least five of them, but I don't give 1.8 shits.

Don't get me wrong. Miyazaki's awesome. He's contributed more to society and art than Mel Gibson THINKS Mel Gibson has. But the dude's 89 years old, and built an entire career on technology that was essentially feature-complete in 1960. Plus, I'm pretty sure he thinks technology peaked with the biplane. I'm comfortable with my technophilia, and I'm comfortable with Miyazaki thinking I'm "petting the cat-bus" when I'm sitting on my bus, with my iPad, reading news stories about how Miyazaki hates the iPad.


And speaking of Apple, I don't give 1.8 shits about the iPhone 4's alleged antenna issues. I can only assume that we're at least one generation too far removed from rabbit ears, because if there's one thing rabbit ears teach us, it's that the human body can interfere with radio waves when it touches antennas. So yeah, if you're in a low-signal area, and you hold one of your fingers in a certain way, you may fuck up the antenna and lose your call. I think you can work out a way around that, don't you?

I mean, for fuck's sake, even Consumer Reports, whose careful scientific analysis of the problem has apparently made this a serious enough issue for Apple to hold a press conference today, fixed the "problem" with a tiny piece of duct tape. If you're whining over ANY problem that can be solved with less than a square inch of duct tape, you're spoiled. That's the rule.

Apple will probably announce some combination of software fix and free-bumper program tomorrow to appease the masses. I'd love it if Steve Jobs came out with big rolls of duct tape all up and down his arms and legs, so that he looks like a bald, bespectacled, silver Michelin Man, and provided the public with a schedule of where he'd be when so affected iPhone 4 users could get their small piece of duct tape directly from Steve Fucking Jobs, but that won't happen, for two reasons.

First, Apple would take a big PR hit. And second, everyone would sell their Steve Jobs Duct Tape on eBay as collectors items, and then their phones still wouldn't work, and then they'd bitch some more instead of moving their fingers. The only thing that wouldn't change? The precise quantity of shits I won't give.