He's Saying Jews Love Beef Jerky!

« September 2010 »

Memo to Donald Douglas, people pissed at a boxer, the Portland Press-Herald, and St. Nicholas of Myra: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today is a first, or near-first, for You Are Dumb Dot Net. While I generally refuse to acknowledge the existence of the rest of the Internet, a.k.a. "the competition", today I will not only acknowledge it, I'll name the column after a particularly exceptional part of it. It's all in SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

This is so awesome that you need to know about it, and so perfect that even I can't add anything funny to it. It deserves to be famous. It deserves to be part of Internet history. Tell this story to your grandchildren.

Apparently, people got very upset at heavyweight boxer David Haye. I don't know who David Haye is. I don't know who Audley Harrison is either. But apparently they were being paid to punch each other, and in that pre-punching part of the whole shebang where they say mean things about each other, Haye said the fight would be "as one-sided as a gang rape".

Yes, rape is a horrible thing. Fine. But first of all, as a purveyor of foul comedy analogies myself, I have to say, that's a pretty good one. Gang rapes really ARE very one-sided. In fact, if I were compiling a list of ten adjectives I'd apply to the concept of gang rape, "one-sided" would definitely be in there, probably around #7.

Also, they're punching each other into bloody pulps for the entertainment of a large crowd of their fellow humans. I do not expect them to be sensitive or genteel. Now, if Mitch McConnell had said this about the November election, it might have been a bit less decorous of an analogy, but let's not hold trash-talking boxers to a black-tie standard.

And speaking of ridiculous standards, the Portland Press-Herald up in Maine are just a giant dumpster full of dicks. I know that's a horrible segue, but I can't help it, because they're a horrible dumpster full of dicks. Here's the deal. The Muslim holiday celebrating the end of Ramadan fell on September 10. As newspapers do with community events, the Press-Herald sent a reporter and a photographer, or possibly just a reporter and a digital camera, down to do a small piece on it.

A piece they put on the front page the next day. Saturday, September 11. A day that a certain percentage of the population has fetishized to a really unhealthy degree. And they yelled. How dare the Portland Press-Herald run pictures of Maine Muslims celebrating hundreds and hundreds of miles, and nine years, away from that one time some Saudi Muslims knocked down a skyscraper?

And in the face of this criticism, the Press-Herald...apologized. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We have acknowledged that we erred by at least not offering balance to the story and its prominent position on the front page."

What form, pray tell, would that balance have taken? A right-wing counterpoint talking about how rude it was for Islam to base all their shit on a lunar calendar, so that thousands of years later, arbitrary proximity would piss off bigots? I almost wished they'd tried, just to see how hilariously awkward that would have been.

And finally, we have the Massachusetts church, St. Nicholas of Myra, which is running a summer Bible camp. Which is fine. I mean, the world doesn't need more glued macaroni Jesuses, but I won't hold that against them. But what they are doing is so mind-bogglingly misguided you've got to almost respect them: phone calls from God.

The best part? The reporter from the Taunton Daily Gazette, so named because you can open the paper up and crawl inside it for warmth, wrote the story as if the calls from God were real. Which, OK, kids might read the story about it and learn that God isn't real, but the story on the Web has a comments section. Where about three dozen people, of all faiths and no faith, talk about how awful it was that the children were lied to. One person sort of defended it, but just suggested that everyone else "lighten up".

The only way it could have been better is if they'd found a way to transmit the voice of God through the kids' dental work, but I suppose all that shit is porcelain and plastic these days. Maybe we can get Christine O'Donnell to spearhead a push for more government research along these lines - after all, it did stop Kent from playing with himself.