More Words Victoria Jackson Doesn't Understand

« September 2010 »


One of the all-time most hilarious aspects of wingnuttery is the conservative take on feminism, especially as espoused by conservative women. See, for the most part, conservative women can't get away with being as blatantly anti-woman and anti-feminist as your Rush Limbaughs of the world, who can throw around words like "feminazi" and still find stupid conservative women who'll have sex with them.

So what conservative women do is try to find a way to redefine feminism in a way that demonizes the women's movement of the 60s, while celebrating their own accomplishments that were only made possible by, of course, the women's movement of the 60s. They go way, way, way out of their way to celebrate stay-at-home, married, heterosexual moms, right up until it's their turn to do that, and then it's all about celebrating "choices".

So when known woman and noted complete fucking psycho Victoria Jackson penned her latest magnum opus for, and nearly the only reason to still visit, Big Hollywood? And it was titled "Sarah Palin: The Perfect Feminist"? Oh, yes, the crazy is strong in this one. Because by examining the qualities she sees in "the perfect feminist", we can, by definition, determine what Victoria Jackson thinks a feminist is. This is gonna be awesome.

"She is beautiful, thin, even athletic, successful, happily married, a good mother and a grandmother."

BAM. Right out of the gate. Second fucking sentence, and the first was just her title, only with a verb added. I'm not sure I even need to look at the rest of the article, because just unpacking this could fill a column.

The perfect feminist is beautiful! Well, of course she is! After all, all the bad feminists, the left-wing, bra-burning man-haters, just did that because they weren't pretty enough to land a husband anyway. Or they were lesbos. But to be beautiful? That's real feminism, right there. This tidbit is so revealing that I won't even question Vicki's aesthetic judgment. I mean, beauty is in the shrunken, diseased cerebral cortex of the beholder.

And a corollary! A perfect feminist is thin. Because feminists are always going on about "unhealthy body images" and super-skinny models and women being Photoshopped to appear half the size they actually are... as if those were bad things. But in the kaleidoscopic Cathy cartoon that is the mind of Victoria Jackson, "thin" is the second word that comes to mind when describing a perfect feminist.

Next up? "Even athletic"! Because "thin" apparently isn't enough for proper feminism, you have to be athletic as well. I mean, apart from the obvious "these are things I like and am therefore applying to the concept without much thought", maybe she thinks fighting for women's rights is an actual fight, with kung fu and back-flips? Or maybe she thinks that feminists have to be able to do all the dances from that Schoolhouse Rock cartoon to qualify?

Successful! Finally a quality we can all agree on, although successful "at what" leaves the concept wide-open to abuse. I presume she means career success, which is telling on a whole other level. Feminism is the belief that women should have the same rights and opportunities as men. For Victoria to claim that success makes someone an ideal feminist, she's basically saying that only the people that "make it" deserve equal rights. Which makes her... a Republican. Go figure.

"Happily married". Hoo, boy. Single women? Imperfect feminists. Gay women? Very imperfect feminists, because we cannot ever allow them to be married. And, of course, "happily". In other words, a perfect feminist is a woman who never pisses her husband off. You know, by wanting things. Or having dreams. Or being a bitch. Or, to tie things together, not being athletic! You know how men like an...athletic woman.

Mother AND grandmother. Damn. Not only does popping out squirts make you a proper, perfect feminist, and not one of those childless, selfish types - one of your kids has to have a kid too. Even if you have to deny her proper sex ed and instill the virtues of motherhood in her so strongly that she gets knocked up as a teen and the two of them go their separate ways, yet both end up trying to make reality TV.

So why isn't Sarah Palin being universally hailed as the savior of womankind that Jackson knows she is? Pure, ideological bias. Ours, not hers.

"She’s got everything those sixties Gloria Steinem’s wanted. But, the Gloria’s won’t admit it because Sarah thinks 'right.' Liberals want tolerance, but only for themselves."

First, liberals want tolerance, but only for unchangeable physical characteristics and life choices that don't harm other people. It's not our fault you're a bunch of socially dominant rich people who want to fuck over the rest of us from the top of your power structure. Change your ways and maybe we'll give you some of that sweet, sweet tolerance you apparently crave so damn much.

And second, feminists don't admit it because Sarah Palin does not, in fact, have everything they want. In fact, it's probably a good thing feminists didn't know they'd be causing Sarah Palin to exist, because most of them would have exchanged their shoes for insemination and headed straight to their kitchens.

I suppose this thing has more than one paragraph, but I've covered the essentials. Let's just quickly sum up, then.

  • Paragraph 2: Sarah Palin mash note unrelated to the topic. GET A ROOM.
  • Paragraph 3: Abusing single moms and female cops. Nice.
  • Paragraph 4: How she gave up her "career" for the love of a good man and a tattoo.
  • Paragraph 5: Over fifteen years, marriage and family dulled the loss of interesting stimulation. Her words, not mine!
  • Paragraphs 6-8: One kid safely married off, Jackson tries Hollywood again, until a line in a shitty script convinces her that her own dreams are stupid.
  • Paragraphs 9-10 Feminist women are slutty whores.
  • Paragraphs 11-12: Digression that's essentially a restatement of paragraphs 6-8.
  • Stanzas 1-6: Some kind of poem or song or something that ends by ripping off/homaging "You Are My Sunshine". I will not mock it in detail, for the same reason I wouldn't criticize the spatial arrangement of an inmate's wall-feces. It wouldn't be constructive criticism.
  • Paragraph 13: Jackson attempts to summarize her own article, but ends up accidentally pre-summarizing mine. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Feminism. Such a strange word. When I hear it I first think of the most masculine and angry women, women with not a shred of femininity. Funny how words are. Then, I think of the meaning they want it to hold. And that word is Sarah Palin."

Words are funny things indeed, Victoria. They're kind of like coal. Under the intense pressure of your inescapable density, they're formed into diamonds. Rough, crude diamonds that only need a bit of cutting and polishing from me in order to be truly hilarious.