Picking Up The Pieces

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Memo to Steve King, Barack Obama, and Tim Profitt: YOU ARE DUMB.

I do try to be topical, sometimes. Not all the time, obviously - I read yesterday's column, too - but there are times when you really want to get that joke about how hostage-taking works in right away, so that when the Daily Show does it that evening, you feel that special warm feeling deep down in your heart. But sometimes, my rush to judgment leaves out extra mockable things that weren't available to me at the time of writing. So consider today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY a collection of DVD bonus features for recent columns.

For example, I would be remiss if I didn't give America's Stupidest Congresscritter Steve King the respect he is due for this quote, from the same floor speech that gave us "very very urban" and "reparations". Because you might have read that column and somehow been unconvinced that Steve King was a full-on racist, hampered only by a shortage of shops in the DC area selling white hoods, nooses, and flammable crosses. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The fraudulent claims might be, well Johnny, yeah he was raised on a farm but he wouldn't help his dad. He went to the city, became a drug addict, and when Daddy needed the help, Johnny wouldn't come and help his daddy. But now his daddy's died and Johnny wants the $50,000 that comes from the USDA under this claim."

Steve King is surrounded by shiftless, big-city crackheads who want a ton of money for doing no work whatsoever, but I bet he's never say something like this about the rest of his caucus, because the rest of his caucus is white.


On Wednesday, in the midst of a rage-stroke about Barack Obama's latest foray as Lando Calrissian to the Republicans' Darth Vader, I said this about the ostensibly progressive payroll tax holiday. ACTUAL ME TIME!

"You got a one-year payroll tax cut that might well be a ticking time bomb for the dismantling of Social Security."

Now, what I alluded to there, but didn't spell out for the sake of brevity, that if the payroll tax holiday expires, Obama will get blamed for raising taxes, and if it doesn't expire, it'll leave a $120 billion a year hole in Social Security, and suddenly everyone lying about how Social Security is bankrupt will be right. Anyway, I'd like to amend my statement to this:

"You got a one-year payroll tax cut that is totally a ticking time bomb for the dismantling of Social Security."

You see, Larry Summers admitted today that the payroll tax holiday was... wait for it... wait for it...

The Republicans' idea.

I really wish I could think of a joke that made this seem less like a depressing boner of epic proportions, but nobody's that funny.


The hilariously named Tim Profitt, last seen with his boot on the skull of a prone young woman at a Rand Paul rally, will be going to court next month on the charges, because he's pled NOT GUILTY. And his defense is as awesome as you'd expect so far:

"Admittedly, if you look at the video on the internet and TV and don't see any more than what was shown it looks like he may have gone out of line. But if you look at the rest of the video of what she was doing before hand and get the whole story, I think you will see my client is justified... I'm sure he was doing at the time what he thought was necessary." - Profitt's attorney, Michael Dean, after court hearings.

I like both halves of this. I like the first part, because this is the first time since Orly Taitz's birther lawsuits that the ravings of right-wing websites, in this case the claim that the head-stomping video is taken out of context, will actually go before a judge and jury for evaluation. And that is ALWAYS entertaining. Remember the Dover intelligent design case? The judge's opinions there were hilarious AND legally binding - a win-win.

But it's that last sentence that really makes me look forward to January, because the last time I checked, doing what you think is necessary is not an accepted legal defense. I mean, rich people use it all the time, but in those cases, it's not really their defense. Their money is the defense, this is just the excuse. So I fully expect this trial to make me wish I liked popcorn, even though Profitt's being tried by a jury of his peers.