Still Crazy After All, This Year

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Memo to Andy Sullivan: YOU'RE EVEN DUMBER THAN ANDREW SULLIVAN.

I know you'll find this hard to believe, but there are some corners of the universe that are still worried about the Park51 project, known colloquially by the three-part misnomer, Ground Zero Mosque. You'd have thought that, given their tiny brains and microscopic attention spans, most of the people adamantly fighting against the project would have moved on to other things like the election, the various fights of the lame duck session, and punching out store clerks who wish them "Happy Holidays".

But no, there is still a deep, fervent core of a few dozen people who are willing to do whatever it takes to keep this potential community center from centering in a Burlington Coat Factory, and chief among them is Andy Sullivan, who organizes boycotts of any organization or individual who expresses support for Park51.

Now, Andy Sullivan doesn't hate Muslims. Far from it. Just ask him!

"I got plenty of Muslim friends. My kids grow up half a block from a mosque in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. That's a very, very huge populace of Muslims, in Bay Ridge. As a matter of fact, they call it Bay-root, now." - Sullivan, to WNYC news. Because nothing says "I have nothing against this group of people" like laughing at a funny name you give any place where too many of them get together.

But he still opposes the mosque, because, in his words, "Islam builds on what it conquers. And this has happened for, I guess, hundreds of years." Sullivan did not indicate when during those hundreds of years Islam conquered Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. Or exactly how many hundreds of years ago out of a millenium-plus of Islam they started doing this. But in his defense, he's really not that bright. Plus, he did say he "guessed" this was happening.

Guessing that things are happening, then overreacting with a boycott, seems to be his modus operandi, actually. Which is why his daughters couldn't have any Justin Bieber stuff for a couple of weeks. I know this makes no fucking sense at all, so let me try an analogy. Andy Sullivan is George W. Bush. His two daughters are Iraq and Afghanistan. Justin Bieber is Saddam Hussein, and Bieber's support of the Ground Zero Mosque are the WMDs. Like Bush, Sullivan had rock-solid intelligence that an international crime was taking place.

"The individual running the site had read an article referencing Tiger Beat’s magazine interview with Bieber where he had informed them his support of it." - Sullivan, from the mea-sorta-culpa that we all know is imminent.

A secondhand account of a secondhand account of Bieber "informing them his support of it"? Well, kids, tear down your Bieber posters, because clearly...look, I'm not going to look up the names of Justin Bieber songs in the hopes of finding one I can comedically substitute the word "Caliphate" into. And I think that, if you were in my position, you'd make the exact same call. I'm 41 years old, and I'll be damned if I learn something about Justin Bieber just because of some Islamophobic asshole with a poor grasp of English.

Who, by the way, blames his kids for his own overreaction:

"My kids are 11 and 8 but if you are a borderline Boomer you know that’s like 18 and 25 by today’s standards. My children were free to make up their own minds regarding Bieber and I respected their convictions. I did not demand or restrict anything in any way I felt that this was an important way for them to get a taste of what it’s like to make an adult decision." - later in the mea culpa.

Fucking Neanderthal. First, if 11 is like 18 and 8 is like 25, there's some kind of Benjamin Buttons bullshit going on with "today's standards". I have no idea how that's supposed to work. Also, is Andy Sullivan letting his kids vote and have sex? Does whichever one is 25 by today's standards get to buy vodka? I'm not sure that's a borderline Boomer thing - I think it's more of a borderline-call-Social-Services thing.

Maybe the kids need to get a taste of what it's like to research primary sources - because it took less legwork than is required to foment a national Bieber boycott for Salon to determine that the Bieber quotes, which included this gem: "I was like seven when September 11th went down, and frankly I’m surprised people are still going on about it. Move on, already!", came from a fifth-tier satire website called "CelebJihad.com".

It's a good thing the Muslim world doesn't actually want to conquer us, because I'm pretty sure, thanks to people like Andy Sullivan, they could just point behind America and yell "Look! Godzilla!" and then establish the Caliphate while we're all staring into the Pacific, asking each other if we see the King of the Monsters.