Hearts, Minds, and Balls

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Memo to Dubya: HA HA HA HA HA.

It is to laugh, really. Remember back when Dick Cheney uttered the immortal words, "I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." Visions of sugarplum parades danced in the administration's heads. Didn't work out that way, of course, and it seems like every day, as things deteriorate in Iraq and more people die, the whole "greeted as liberators" thing seems more and more absurd.

But as a measure of bungling, as a measure of just how much ol' Dubya has fucked up... well, let's just say it's a good thing Georgie doesn't actually read any news, and instead has people tell him what he "needs" to know. 'Cause otherwise, he might pick up a Sports Illustrated, or check it out online, and learn just how much he sucks.

I mean, how bad at liberating do you have to be before a bunch of guys, directly under the thumb of the brutal and sadistic sonofadictator Uday Hussein before you freed them, tell you to go fuck yourself? That's REALLY bad liberating. That would earn a gold medal in Shitty Liberating, if the '04 games were in the US and we picked it as our demonstration sport. Which we really should, because when it comes to really awful jobs of liberation, the USA has been the global standard-setter for DECADES.

See, the Bush team decided to grab hold of the coattails of one of the more inspiringly-manufactured Olympic success stories, the Iraqi soccer team. Hadn't been in an Olympics since 1988. Tortured by Uday when they underperformed. Now they are free, and winning games, and, if you believe the stump speeches and ads coming from Bush, it's all because Dubya had the strength and the courage to invade Iraq looking for nonexistent WMD and terrorists. If anyone should be thanking Bush for their newfound freedom, it's these Iraqi soccer players. And now, on the global stage, with the world's media watching, they are expressing their gratitude. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself." - midfielder Salih Sadir.

Well, you know. They're big stars now. Maybe they're just mad at being used without due compensation. Wheaties wouldn't dare put them in commercials without paying them, after all, so why should Bush be able to? Oh, wait, there's another quote coming in.

"How will he meet his god having slaughtered so many men and women? He has committed so many crimes. I want to defend my home. If a stranger invades America and the people resist, does that mean they are terrorists? Everyone [in Fallujah] has been labeled a terrorist. These are all lies. Fallujah people are some of the best people in Iraq." - midfielder Ahmed Manajid.

Ah, um... OK. Well, these guys are midfielders, and as we all know, MIDFIELDERS HATE FREEDOM. They just sit there, in the middle, going back and forth, not strong on offense, not strong on defense... they're flip-floppers, really. Want to have it both ways. Plus, I heard on Rush that Sadir and Manajid are the first and fourth most liberal soccer players on the team. I'm sure the coach is much more reasonable about the whole thing...

"My problems are not with the American people. They are with what America has done in Iraq: destroy everything. The American army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the [national] stadium and there are shootings on the road?" - coach Adnan Hamad. Hamad, by the way, is the replacement for coach Bernd Strange, who quit a few months ago because he DIDN'T WANT TO DIE.

So there you have it, Mr. President. The Iraqi soccer team, that symbol of a liberated Iraq that you take credit for in your folksy way, thinks you're a complete and utter ratfucking bastard. Linguists are going to have to coin entirely new terminology to describe just how much you have fucked this up. Kerry should be running ads RIGHT NOW that say "The Iraqi soccer team wouldn't vote for him. Why should you?" Worst. Liberator. EVER.