The Porn Reacharoundup

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Memo to Apple, Marriott, and the fine people at Playboy: YOU ARE DUMB.

Porn! Whether you love it, hate it, hate yourself for loving it, or love yourself for hating it, there's no denying: porn exists. Always has, always will. All that's left is the battle over where it is and when. The ridiculous, sad, sorry battle. Enjoy these collected dispatches from the world of pornography and pornography-related ventures.

Now, I love me some Apple. Really I do. But their attempt to impose standards on the App Store is nutsoid and pointless. I mean, I don't really need to see porn apps like Horny Birds, Diddle Jump, Peggle, or Anal Sex Vs. Zombies, but I really don't see why the Land Of One Thousand Fart-Noise-Makers has to be kept safe from a bit of antiquated muff.

Steve Jobs and his crew clearly feel differently, however, and Apple has rejected a Playboy app that would have let you bring up past and current issues of Playboy on the iPad.

Now, I'm not the slightest bit interested in Playboy. Half the magazine is a bunch of overinflated bimbos prattling on unconvincingly about what interests them, or, in the vernacular, "turns them on". And the other half is just naked women. But at this point, Playboy is the fucking Fisher-Price of porn. It's My First Boobies. And who is Apple to deny eleven-year-old boys the illicit joy of discovering the Playboy app on the iPad dad keeps in the bathroom, under the iPad with the Better Homes and Gardens app on it?

I suppose it's possible that Apple's afraid that Playboy would give the iPad a virus. I mean, even with periodic testing and Apple's rubber case, it's a risk. A risk a bunch of West Coast internet business assholes learned about firsthand when they held their conference at the Playboy Mansion.

Now, I hold no truck with superstition. I certainly don't think that diseases are God's punishment for sinful behavior. But when you choose the Playboy Mansion as your hospitality venue, that says something about you, and says something about your organization. Not in a prudish way, mind. Just in a skeevy, balding, 48-year-old middle manager in a sexless marriage kind of way.

And when dozens of people at the event come down with a mild form of Legionnaire's Disease that, according to USA Today, "grows in warm water and can take root in hot tubs or parts of air conditioning systems", and when speculation grows that the fog machine may be the culprit, you cannot help but feel a mild case of antibiotic-resistant schadenfreude. Especially after ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"There is no truth in the rumor that anyone caught anything at the Playboy Mansion. Nor is there any evidence. None of the Playboy staff became ill, the deejay was in the middle of the fog and she didn't get ill. We have been contacted by the Health Department and the Playboy Mansion is cooperating fully with the investigation." - Playboy's hilarious denial to the New York Post.

I want "the deejay was in the middle of the fog and SHE didn't get ill" to become a standard pop-culture response, taking its place alongside "that's what she said" and "I meant to do that". It's not quite a general-purpose excuse for anything, but with a little cultural indoctrination, it could be.

Let's just hope all those Internet assholes didn't leave the Playboy Mansion with their 1977-era fantasy chubbies intact, only to return to their Marriott Hotel, because as I was reliably informed by the headline, Marriott Hotels have BANNED PORN.

Of course, no hotel that offers free wi-fi can ever REALLY ban porn. But I presumed, correctly, that it was in-room pay-per-wank porn that they were talking about, and once I read further into the pre-AOL Huffington Post article, this suspicion was borne out. Buncha prudes! Marriott fuckers! What, did they get bought out by Chick-Fil-A?

No. As the article eventually points out, after an opening sentence saying that the hotel chain is "taking a stand" against porn, it turns out they're just not offering the porn in new hotels they're opening over the next few years, because nobody's buying it. Probably because of the free Wi-Fi thing. Why risk a $15 charge on your hotel bill for five minutes when you've got the Internet?

By the way, the USA Today article the HuffPo story cited carried the headline "Marriott takes porn off the menu at new hotels". Man, if you're being beaten out in the "reasonable, mature journalism" department by the fucking USA Today, then I no longer feel bad about you getting bought by the saddest Internet company in the world. Well, except for MySpace and all those companies that had their convention at the Playboy Mansion.