The Sound Of Silence

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Memo to Clarence Thomas, Clarence Thomas, and Ben Quayle: YOU ARE DUMB.

Who's the most powerful person in the United States government? The obvious answer is the President, and there's certainly some truth to that. But there are three co-equal branches of government, and when you consider that the VP and the Cabinet are, in many ways, the top echelon of the Executive Branch, you might, if you needed a hook for an intro and weren't too particular about your math, argue that a single Supreme Court justice might well come in a close second. Which brings us to Clarence Thomas, who celebrated an important milestone yesterday, which we'll celebrate with two quotes celebrating Thomas, and one unrelated quote because I like having three on IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"So why do you beat up on people if you already know? I don't beat up on them. I refuse to participate. I don't like it, so I don't do it." - Clarence Thomas, explaining his courtroom style two years ago.

What Clarence Thomas doesn't do is talk. Or ask questions. Or participate in oral arguments in any way. Which raises an interesting question. If Thomas doesn't do oral, how'd the pubic hair get on the Coke can?

So anyway, it's now been five years since Clarence Thomas asked a question in the Supreme Court. Without asking questions, how can he reach a decision? Theories vary, from relying on written briefs only, to blind ideological certitude, to a set of controls that Antonin Scalia can adjust by sticking his hand up Thomas' ass. But one thing is clear. He doesn't like it, so he doesn't do it. And that's a luxury you can only really afford when you've been appointed for life, and the only way you can be held accountable is through an impeachment process that will never happen.

"Misunderstanding of the filing instruction." - Thomas, on a form to amend his financial disclosure forms for the past 13 years.

You see, for the past 13 years, Clarence Thomas' wife has worked for groups like the House Republicans and the Heritage Foundation. She made three-quarters of a million dollars from the Heritage Foundation alone. And good for her, I'm sure the Heritage Foundation hired her for her unique skill set and an attention to detail none of the other candidates for the job could display.

But during this time, Thomas entered, on his disclosure forms, on the line that asked for his spouse's income... a zero. Now, some wild-eyed hippies look at this and wonder how he could have somehow "misunderstood" the filing instructions in such a way as to conveniently hide hundreds of thousands of dollars from conservative advocacy groups, but remember, he CAN'T ASK QUESTIONS.

So clearly he relied on the written instructions, applied his own right-wing ideology that women shouldn't work and therefore his wife shouldn't have made any money, and then Scalia told him to put "zero" there, and he did. Just a simple misunderstanding.

"I didn't know then, but I know it now: The jelly beans were much more than a sweet treat that he gave out as gifts. They represented the uniqueness and greatness of America -- each one different and special in its own way, but collectively they blended in harmony." - Ben Quayle, explaining to everyone what he learned from Ronald Reagan's candy.

Hey, it's a relative of a famous political figure! That's a vague connection, right? Anyway. Ben Quayle is a fucking idiot, like his father before him.

I mean, if I'm going to look for a greater meaning in an old, powerful man offering a young boy a jar of candy, it's not going to be "the uniqueness of America". It's going to be "my limousine has tinted windows, wanna see?"

But it's far more likely that they were just fucking JELLY BEANS. Reagan at this point is the Paul Bunyan of politics. He can't even eat candy without someone deciding he fought and killed a lion with his bare hands to recover the fructose symbol of American diversity.

Yes, each jelly bean represented a different color of American. And when Reagan popped them all into his mouth and chewed them up, it was morning in America. I see the dipshit gene lives on the Y chromosome.