The Wolf Ate The Straw Cabin Republicans

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Memo to the Log Cabin Republicans: YOU ARE DUMB.

Haven't you figured it out yet? You will never, EVER be truly welcome. Oh, they'll take your votes. They'll take your money. And then, surprise surprise, they'll stab you in the back, fuck you over, and burn you in effigy to appease the "God Hates Fags" crowd that makes up so much of their base. I don't care how concerned you are about "small government" or tax cuts or your own bank account. Every single one of you is voting for your own oppression. You will not change the party from the inside, because the inside of the party is made up entirely of Falwellians who either hate you outright, or think that the way to power is acting like they hate you.

Don't be heartened by Dick Cheney. I can't believe I even have to type that sentence, but don't be heartened by Dick Cheney. Over the weekend, he grudgingly admitted that gays deserve equal rights, and that he wasn't all that fond of the constitutional amendment idea. Dick Cheney now has the same stated position on gay marriage as John Kerry, which is deeply sad for both of them - sad for Cheney because of the sheer effort required to reach a position that's even borderline moderate, and sad for Kerry because, well, he's agreeing with Cheney. This is why people voted for Nader in 2000, John.

Obviously, something got to Cheney, but I can't figure out what it is. Maybe his gay daughter, Mary, finally tore him a new one at a family dinner. Maybe, in some improbable Ted Geisel Moment, his shrunken, black heart started to beat again, he discovered the real meaning of Christmas, and had a happy song about how homos are people too. Maybe his conscience picked the locks on the secret underground bunker and travelled across the country, like a dog in a Disney movie, to finally reunite with its owner.

Still, you don't need to worry about Cheney ripping up his own personal loyalty oath to Bush. In the same breath as his almost-reasonable statements on gay rights, he essentially said that whatever Dubya wants, Dubya gets, and that's just fine by him. So not only is he betraying his daughter, he's betraying her to support a cause he doesn't actually agree with. What a Dick.

Now a CYNIC might look at Cheney's statement and, rather than hearing a concerned father or a reformed neo-con zealot, the cynic may hear the faint whispering of ulterior motives in the background. The cynic may suspect that Dick Cheney's role as the only high-ranking potential member of P-FLAG* in the administration is being exploited to make a big noise in the news while the Republican platform gets written entirely by the rabid "pro-family" retards.

And lo and behold, the draft platform not only calls for the constitutional ban on gay marriage, but turns the knife another 270 degrees by wanting to also put a stop to civil unions, domestic partnership benefits, and any even remotely marriage-esque thing not firmly established between a penis and a vagina.

The Log Cabin Republicans are, of course, pissed. They should be. They all probably thought the religious right would at least let them have the tax breaks as long as they didn't scare all the Jesus-freaks by using the "M-word". Not in this platform, folks. Not in this administration. Not in the Republican Party. In the GOP, you only get to crawl in bed with, and hug, another man if you're an alleged "maverick" and "independent" who needs to keep sucking on the party teat if he wants to keep his job.

I like to think that this platform will shake them up and make them realize what they've been voting for all these years. On the other hand. they're GAY REPUBLICANS. I don't know if even this latest pro-family supernova can make them see the light through the blinders required to actually be a gay Republican. Maybe the party platform deliberately and systematically depriving them of any possible legal rights to form partnerships will do it, but I wouldn't bet my tiny liberal bank account on it.

The Republican Party, as they are fond to say, is a big tent. It has to be. They need plenty of room to keep all the icky homos in one corner. The corner that leaks. Where all the garbage and bugs are. Where there would be a light, but we need all the lights over here for the dramatic reading of "Left Behind" and to make sure all your campaign donation checks are properly endorsed. Yep, this sure is a great time to be gay and Republican!

* Assuming they'd even have him, which I'd advise against, if they ever asked me