Eating Bars And Eating Cars

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Memo to Rapture-heads, Ahnuld, and Keith Ablow: YOU ARE DUMB.

I am not packing multiple topics into one column because I'm afraid the world will end tomorrow. For one thing, the world will not end tomorrow. When civilization collapses, it'll be because the idiots were wrong and in charge, not because the idiots were right all along.

And anyway, even in the extremely unlikely event of the Rapture, why would that mean the end of You Are Dumb? I'll still be here. You'll all still be here. The Internet was made by science, so it'll still be here. Fuck knows Comcast will still be here. So will AT&T. So there's nothing about the Rapture that would stop this site from continuing as normal after a single mea culpa about the whole God thing on my part.

No, I'm filling the space with lots of stuff because I've missed two Friday columns in a row, and I'm long overdue for a SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Back to tomorrow's alleged Rapture. I know that most of the attention these obscure old fucks with startlingly variable math have been getting has been mocking. And I approve. But could we come out of it with a bit of a teachable moment? There are dozens of things just as ridiculous as a May 21 Rapture that are treated as legitimate in our national debate, from the 6,000-year-old Earth, to the idea that souls exist in blastulas, to the career of Michele Bachmann. When May 22 arrives, let's all agree to give all kinds of superstitious nonsense the boot.


Arnold Schadenfreudenegger! The good news for Arnold is, he was always a horndog, and never big on the social conservatism, so we don't get to make fun of his hypocrisy for sleeping around on his wife. The good news for US is, we get to make fun of his stupidity and douchebaggery, because Arnold made a baby.

You want to fuck the staff? Fuck the staff. That's between you and the wife and the hopefully consenting member of your staff. Arnold gets a pass from me on this one.

But don't get the staff pregnant. That's stupid. That's preventable. That's something you should be constantly aware of and paranoid about if you're going to be sleeping with the staff and keeping it a secret from your wife, the press, or both. Double-bag that sucker so that the milk doesn't leak. Minimum-wage grocery clerks know that, so why didn't the fucking GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA?

Making a baby during your affair is bone-stupid. But keeping your parentage a secret for TEN YEARS, for no other reason than you knew it would (a) wreck your marriage, and (b) wreck your burgeoning political career almost before it started? That's a deeply, deeply shitty thing to do. It's certainly not practicing the politics of personal responsibility. You gotta feel bad for Gray Davis. He got recalled for an economic mess a fraction of the size Ahnuld caused, and on top of that, he didn't have a secret son tucked away either. Meanwhile, Schwarzenegger gets to serve out two full terms, then go back to making millions in Hollywood.


That said, as bad a person as Schwarzenegger is, he doesn't hold a slow-motion exploding candle to Keith Ablow, self-proclaimed Fox News "medical expert", Glenn Beck co-author, and pirate fellatio namesake. He discussed the Lovechildinator in a column for Fox's website. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I doubt it can come as a complete shock to Ms. Shriver and I believe it need not signal the end of her marriage... Infidelity on the part of a husband or wife is not a reason to erase one’s marital vows."

I think there are millions of people who would disagree with you there, Ablow. For a significant percentage of the population, fidelity is one of the whole points of marriage. It doesn't have to be, obviously, but to suggest that the vows should be more important than the trust those vows represent is like leaving a rotting tree in your yard because you believe that landscaping is important.

At any point in the last 25 years I would venture that a polygraph examination may well have revealed that Ms. Shriver knew in her heart of hearts that her husband had been unfaithful and was likely to be unfaithful in the future. For reasons known only to her (or which might only be revealed to her in psychotherapy) she decided to build and maintain a family with him, anyhow."

To borrow a segment from Norm Macdonald: Wait, what? First, you suggest that Maria Shriver should be hooked up to a fucking lie detector. Second, you say she knew he was a horndog. Third, you say she was crazy to stay married with him even though he was a horndog, in the same column where you suggest not leaving him because he's a horndog. And fourth, HE GOT THE OTHER WOMAN PREGNANT.

Whatever rules and assumptions their marriage was based upon, it's clear from this that having a love child and hiding it for a decade was not part of the fucking deal. Arnold broke the deal, and by doing so, he makes me really wish it was him in Beyond Thunderdome and not Mel Gibson.

"Prescription from this doctor: With Arnold looking weak right now, rather than strong, Maria has a chance to have and to hold her husband as never before.

Diagnosis from this columnist. Any doctor who doesn't know even the metaphorical difference between a diagnosis and a prescription needs to shut the fuck up. And any "doctor" who gives marriage advice, but thinks marriage is about power struggles and control rather than love and trust, should also shut the fuck up. I'll take a dozen stupid, barebacking, Austrian action stars over one warped, moralizing prick like Ablow any day.

Even if that day ends up being the Rapture.*

*It won't end up being the Rapture.