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Memo to Kerry-Edwards 2004: YOU ARE DUMB.

Look. I'm voting for you. We're all voting for you. We all HAVE to vote for you because you're running against an imbecile Jesus-freak with the collective hand of the Evil Bald White Guy Cabal up his ass. And what's worse, Nader, who seemed like an OK guy four years ago, is rapidly becoming a complete nutjob who would sell his own mother to Jerry Falwell just to get on the ballot in Idaho. We are completely and utterly and irrevocably stuck with the big-haired zombie and his boyish ward. We know that. You know that we know that. We know that you know that we know that.

But you don't have to be such fucking PRICKS about it.

First, it was Kerry saying that, even knowing what we know now about Iraq, he'd have still given Dubya his blank check for war. Sure, he was careful about it, because we all know he voted for the authority not because he necessarily believed in it, or because he honestly thought Dubya didn't have his finger hovering and twitching over the "Invade" button. No, he voted for it because it was the politically expedient thing to do. It was gonna pass anyway, so why hand the opposition a weapon to use against you in a futile effort to stop the inevitable?

Of course, it came back to bite him on the ass, but that's the magical world of politics for you. But now, with everything gone to hell, Iraq a mess, soldiers dying by the truckload and their names being buried on A-17 ever since the fake sovereignty got established... even now, he's got to join with Dubya and say going in was the right thing to do even though we all know it fucking well wasn't. And thus, the faces of those of us who support him because the other guy is so incredibly awful get our faces rubbed in it.

And on gay marriage, once again, we have a carefully nuanced, focus-grouped, offending-the-bare-minimum-of-people stance that, frankly, ought to turn the stomach of anyone who's ever held a firm conviction about ANYTHING. Ever. And we sit, and we take it, and we eat it, and it tastes like shit, but we still smile, because the Republican Platform stops just short of calling for a constitutional amendment requiring a goddamn Lexan box around every homosexual in the country so that they can't touch another person of the same gender. And we get our faces rubbed in it.

And now, we have the question of the "war on terror". Remember when Bush declared "war on terror"? Remember how anybody with half a brain and a rudimentary grasp of language immediately mocked the idea of a war on a noun? A battle against an emotional concept? A fight against a tactic? Oh, how we laughed. You can't win a "war on terror". It's like the "war on drugs", only worse! A "war on terror" would be a state of constant warfare, the US intervening using military force wherever and whenever it deemed fit, throwing lives away in foreign lands in a desperate attempt to seem like it was doing something.

Hope you're used to the taste by now, my leftist friends, because the only POSSIBLE tool at my disposal to illustrate the dograping Bizarroworld of the 2004 presidential election is that well-worn screwdriver in the YAD toolbox, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME.

"People say, `Can you win the war on terror?' Of course we can." - George W. Bush, May 2004.

"I don't think you can win it. But I think you can create conditions so that those who use terror as a tool are less acceptable in parts of the world." - George W. Bush, August 2004.

"Absolutely." - John Kerry, asked if the war on terror can be won, August 2004.

"To suggest that the war on terror can't be won is absolutely unacceptable." - Democratic senator Joe Biden, Monday.

"The war on terrorism is absolutely winnable." - John Edwards, Monday night.

"We meet today in a time of war for our country, a war we did not start yet one that we will win." - Dubya, yesterday.

Here's what my well-trained idiot-spotting eye sees. Our President, in an almost unprecedented moment of clarity, admits to something the left wing of the country has been saying for THREE FUCKING YEARS. He is then attacked for this statement by the Democratic candidate, his vice-presidential pick, and a top-ranking senator, who all take the position that the COMPLETE BULLSHIT the administration has been spouting since 9/12/01 is absolutely the right thing. As a result of this attack, the President backtracks from his new, SANE position, back to his old INSANE position, trying to make it seem like he never really meant the sane thing in the first place. Welcome to Planet Hosed.

And the worst part is, come November, we still have to vote for these spineless, opportunistic, packaged, shellacked, animatronic, "New Democrat", centrist fuckwads, because the alternative is a belligerent theocracy that wants to wipe out all the other belligerent theocracies on the planet. At this point, the "I Voted" sticker could be made out of Viagra, dark chocolate, and CRACK and I still wouldn't enjoy the democratic process.