« September 2011 »

Memo to wine, bull semen, Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal: YOU ARE DUMB.

Today's column falls somewhere between a Spastic Topic Monkey Friday, where I write a couple of paragraphs on, usually, three different topics, and a Lightning Round, where I write one paragraph, or even one sentence, on a whole bunch of topics. It's the comedy polemic version of small plates. Mentapas, if you will.

In other 9/11 memorial news, a Long Island winery has come under fire for producing a line of "memorial wines", the proceeds from which will be donated to the actual memorial. Tony Bourdain thought the whole thing was in poor taste, but I have to say, after I knocked down a couple of bottles, I felt like dancing in the streets.

My favorite headline from the past couple of weeks? "Frozen Bull Semen Falls From Greyhound Bus, Causes Highway Ramp Closure In Nashville, Tenn." It has everything you could possibly need in a headline. The only boring noun in the entire thing is "ramp". I don't know how, I don't know why, but my gut instinct says Toby Keith was involved in some way. Frozen bull semen is the source of all his power.

By the way, in case you were wondering, the ramp wasn't closed because the containers burst, hosing down the road like it was the world's largest heroin-addicted tramp stamp with daddy issues. No, the bull semen was just gently steaming, and Tennessee authorities thought they may have been dealing with some kind of toxic substance. More toxic than bull semen, that is.

Want to know why I never covered the Steven Seagal thing? I'll tell you why. Because American journalism is in the shitter, that's why. Here are the facts I learned over the course of this week about the incident, in authentic order. Keep in mind that this should be plotted on a logarithmic scale, both in terms of my interest in the story and how recently to this instant I learned them.

  1. Steven Seagal killed a puppy.
  2. Steven Seagal is getting sued for killing a puppy.
  3. Steven Seagal is getting sued for killing a puppy with a tank.
  4. Steven Seagal is getting sued for killing a puppy with a tank during a raid.
  5. Steven Seagal was performing the raid as part of his "I'm A Fake Cop" reality show.
  6. Steven Seagal, fake cop, was sent on his raid by America's Most Racist Sheriff, Joe Arpaio.
  7. The guy they were raiding was, shocker, Hispanic.

Right around item 4 is when this story belongs in my column, by the way, but by that point, the ship had sailed. Sorry. The entire news media buried the fucking lede on this one.


"I’ve been called a lot of things in my career, some of them not so kind. But to be labeled an animal abuser is beyond the pale and that is simply a role I will not accept." - Steven Seagal.

Keep in mind that one of the things that Steven Seagal has been called in his career, which was not so kind, is "a guy who keeps his assistant prisoner as a sex slave". So while "alleged tank-wielding puppy murderer" is pretty bad, the pale was left behind long ago, and it's way to late for him to decide to stop accepting stuff.

And finally, since it's been a long week and I'm not of a mind to go rooting through the research pile for one tiny thing to hate on, I will break from form and provide you with two recommendations if you like to entertain yourself. First, MC Frontalot's new album, "Solved", which, if you know the man's work, is on par with "Final Boss" and better than "Zero Day". If you don't know the man's work, then you know what you're going to be doing for the next half hour on YouTube, don't you?

And second, if you have an iOS device, spend a buck on Jetpack Joyride, which takes "flying down a hallway, dodging shit" to heights never before reached in the casual gaming arena. Also, the hero's name is Barry Steakfries. Just reading that was worth 99 cents.