Just Sayin'

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Memo to Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, and Nikki Haley: CITATION NEEDED.

Fun fact. The qualifications for Leader of the Free World are, in fact, lower than the qualifications for a Hanson career retrospective on Wikipedia. That's because, on Wikipedia, once a ridiculous claim is noticed, the person who makes that claim is generally required to present a citation to a reliable source for that claim. This is a standard presidential candidates, especially current and former Republican candidates, are never held to. Which is why I can cull three of those claims and package them. Nobody cares when IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"All I was doing is relaying what a woman had said. I relayed what she said. I wasn't attesting to her accuracy. I wasn't attesting to anything." - Michele Bachmann, trying to expand on her earlier defense of saying the HPV vaccine makes you retarded.

For all that it's been maligned as a den of misinformation and user-generated flimflammery, Wikipedia would never accept at face value the idea that "relaying" something that supports your cause, without expressing any doubt as to its accuracy, doesn't count as "attesting" to it. Yet the Associated Press let the quote stand, and Michele Bachmann is still, to a certain extent, running for president.

If Michele Bachmann were contributing to Wikipedia instead of running for President, she would have been furiously making up new user names and looking for new IP addresses to post more falsehoods from, because they would have banned her from participating in their enterprise on account of her being completely full of shit. You'd think the race for the Presidency would run at least 25% as efficiently as that, but obviously, it doesn't.

"The reason that America is more pro-life than it ever has been is because the younger generation of Americans are more pro-life than their mothers and their grandmothers. And do you know why? Because science has affirmed what God has been trying to scream to us all along: that is a human life! Thank God for the science that’s affirmed it." - Mike Huckabee, in support of the effort to declare a fertilized egg a person in Colorado.

Oh, for fuck's sake. I can only assume this is the next logical step after the success of the global warming denial movement. After making tons of headway by just stating over and over again that science doesn't actually say what science is saying, Huckabee's gone the next step and asserted that science has affirmed something, and science is looking at Huckabee as if to say "Dude, I don't even KNOW YOU."

Clearly, all that godscreaming has rattled the pea-sized lump of gristle that passes for Mike Huckabee's brain, because science has affirmed no such thing. At least not the way his allegedly growing pro-life movement defines the phrase "a human life".

Is it human? Sure. That's DNA. Is it life? Sure. So was the chicken I had for dinner. What science has NOT affirmed is "personhood", because first, that's not really science's job, and second, even if it were, Huckabee and his crowd wouldn't listen, because they're using a strictly religious definition of personhood that he wants to impose on the rest of us. Even those of us who place personhood at sapience, and who define "sapience" in such a way that would make Mike Huckabee eligible for abortion.

"I’ve never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you’re given good information. And now I’m learning through you guys that I have to be careful before I say something." - Nikki Haley, governor of South Carolina, and if you don't think she's gonna run in 2016 just to get the Bachmann/Palin popularity boost, you're not cynical enough to be reading this.

So, what did people tell her? What information did she get that she thought was good? What should she have been careful before she said? Oh, nothing much.

She just supported her very Republican, very dickish drive to force people to pass a drug test before receiving their unemployment benefits by saying that half the people who applied for a job at a South Carolina nuke plant failed their drug tests. Of course, companies don't test applicants. Everybody knows that. They test the people they've decided to hire. And even granting that as a slip of the tongue, almost none of those people fail the drug tests.

So basically, Nikki Haley decided to be a horrible human being. Unemployment benefits are largely an insurance program. Denying benefits to people who lose their jobs unless they pee in a cup is Republican gratuitous cruelty at its "finest". And in order to justify her sadistic cruelty, Nikki Haley made up a factoid. Just pulled it out of her ass, or one of her staffers' asses, and gave it to the world.

Has getting caught in this lie derailed her plans to pass this law? No. Has the fact that America's Penis, a.k.a. Florida, started doing this and has spent more money on testing than they've saved by withholding benefits stopped her? Fuck no. Would any of this bullshit last for two weeks on Wikipedia? Nope. Does that mean we're fucked? I don't know for sure, but I know where I'd put my chips if I were a betting man.