Putting The "Debate" In "Desper...bate."

« September 2011 »

Memo to the 2012 election season: I GUESS I'D BETTER GET USED TO IT.

I don't really like the idea of actually watching GOP debates. I don't even like following other people watching it on the Internet. I prefer to wait a day, let the crazy steep, then sip from the concentrated brew of stupidity in order to describe its bouquet to you in language both flowery and foul.

But then I see this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I said ‘I wish I could have answered that question, because I want to tell you what my answer is. I think you earned every dollar, you should get to keep every dollar that you earned.' That’s your money, that’s not the government’s money, that’s the whole point... Obviously we have to get money back to the government so we can run the government." - Michele Bachmann, at last night's Fox News / Google debate.

I actually can't deal with that quote right now. I need to wait for my blood pressure to stop spiking and that vein in my forehead to stop coating my monitor in a thin layer of vaporized and deposited blood. So while I wait for that to happen, FOX / GOOGLE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE? I can barely go along with the fact that 24-hour cable news gets to host debates, instead of the Republican Party actually scheduling the fucking things and letting the media cover them. I suppose having Fox host just cuts out the middle man.

But all these debates have had co-sponsors. Tonight, it's Google, last time it was MSNBC and Politico, so there must be some kind of law of conservation of useful information being used to determine who gets paired up with whom. I anxiously await the future Wikipedia/TMZ presidential debate, and the Library of Congress / Ghost Hunters debate.

Okay, bach to Backmann. This is what happens when you grow your Republicans in vats and imprint their brains with copies of the Weekly Standard and Michigan militia manifestos. She heads full-tilt into "Taxes Are Theft" brand anarchist libertarianism before realizing that she actually draws a very pleasant salary from the government, which comes entirely from other people's money, as does Medicaid-funded gay torture and farm subsidies. Whoops.

In other news, the official Stay Classy, Republicans moment of last night's debate appears to be the audience booing a gay soldier who's only been able to say he was a gay soldier for about two days thanks to the final repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We've come so far as a nation. Forty years ago, hippies had to wait for soldiers to come home before booing them. Now, thanks to companies like Google, lazy homophobic teabaggers can boo them while they're serving in Iraq.

What else did we learn? Well, we learned that Rick Perry is as bad a pop-culture maven as he would be as a president. When asked who on the stage he'd pick as his running mate, he said, in essence, a combination of Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Now, anyone with half a brain knows that if you're going to combine Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, you do it Thing With Two Heads style, and sew Cain's head to Newt's shoulder for wacky racial hijinks.

But Perry didn't go there, because that image WASN'T NEARLY FUCKING DISTURBING ENOUGH.

"If you could take Herman Cain and mate him up with Newt Gingrich, I think you would have some really interesting guys to work with."

Ladies and gentlemen, our next president of the United States. A former Democrat-turned-Christian-Dominionist-secessionist who supports limited immigration amnesty and apparently produces, or wants to produce, borderline-geriatric gay porn between a serial adulterer and a pizza guy.