Bottoms Up Week, Day One

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Memo to Kris Jordan and Rick Santorum YOU ARE DUMB.

Time for some more housecleaning! As long-time readers of this column know, my process, such as it is, is to fill my RSS feed with as much news as I can reasonably handle, skim it for things I might want to talk about in the column, star it, then read through the starred items in more detail as I decide what topic strikes my fancy on any particular day.

It works, but it does have a side effect. Large numbers of stories that get left by the wayside because they're not quite worth a full column, or they don't fit a theme, or whatever. So I periodically clean it out, usually just by deleting the stories and moving on to fresher meat. But right now, I think that's unfair to all the unsung heroes of stupidity who will never get their day in the sun. So this week, or at least as much of it as I can fill before I run out of stuff, we're going to let these people shine. From oldest to newest, until I start cutting into the good stuff, or until something more important happens. BOTTOMS UP.

Our first unsung hero of stupidity is Kris Jordan, Republican state senator from Ohio. Like many Republicans, Kris Jordan is a man who supports FAMILY VALUES. And like many Republicans, FAMILY VALUES means the male-female relationship circa 1953. Which is why this is what he told the police.

"She got a little upset. Girls do that. I threw some things on the ground, but I didn’t hit her or anything. So she’s all worked up about who knows."

The police were, as you can probably surmise, responding to a domestic disturbance call at the Jordan residence, a call initiated by Jordan's wife, who said this kind of thing has been happening for a couple of years. And then she refused to press charges. I think we've all seen enough Lifetime movies and after-school specials to be familiar with THAT dynamic.

But here's the thing that amazed me. You read that story, and you get a mental picture of who Kris Jordan is. And then you learn that he's only 34 years old. THIRTY FOUR. How can you be born in the late 70s, live your entire life in the post-feminist era, and sound like a character from Mad Men when it comes to gender roles? This is the danger of the entire right-wing farm system, and by farm, I mean Monsanto-style agribusiness. Vat-grown, frat-raised Liberty University true believer motherfuckers, many of whom are just starting to swell the biceps and shrink the testicles of the body politic. The Tea Party is just the first sign of our collective 'roid rage.


Rick Santorum is, as we all know, an epic dickhead. Seriously. You could craft a 1:1 scale model of Galactus' head, including the helmet, made ENTIRELY out of penises, and you would accomplish two things. One, you would begin to approach a significant fraction of how much of a dickhead Rick Santorum is, and two, you would finally fulfill a secret longing that Rick Santorum has always known he had, but could never really identify because Marvel Comics are the work of the devil.

I never properly covered the Santorum campaign stop where he compared calling gay unions "marriage" to calling a napkin a "paper towel". Sorry, gays! I'm afraid you're going to have to settle for your marriages being smaller, less absorbent, and used mainly around the mouth and lap compared to straight marriage. It's a perfectly natural analogy for him to take, because nothing's more important to Santorum than the effective mopping up of spills.

He also countered charges of homophobia in the classic style, saying "You can be against what a group of people believe, but not be against the people affected by those beliefs." Which is hilarious coming from a man who frequently, along with the rest of his faction, claims anti-Christian bigotry every time they're told they shouldn't bully gay people to death.

A few days later, Santorum continued his weird ontological crusade, comparing gay marriage as "water" to straight marriage's "beer". Which is interesting, because I don't hear any reports out of Ohio of gay state senators having a couple of waters and scaring their partners into calling the police.

Apparently still trying to work out his bit on stage, he later compared it to calling "a cup of tea a basketball". You see what he did there? He picked things he thought were so completely different that nobody could mistake his meaning. He even made the gay one all sissy-like and the straight one all manly-like. But cups of tea and basketballs do have one thing in common. Something they in fact have in common with santorum. All three can be dribbled.