Bottoms Up Week: Idiots Said Things Edition

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Memo to Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney, and Bryan Fischer: YOU ARE DUMB.

Bottoms Up Week continues, but it's also Wednesday, so as I claw toward the bright light at the top of my research pile like a heroin-addicted mole-man whose only dealer is a stinking surface-dweller, today we will focus on quotes from the near past. IDIOTS SAID THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Corporations are people, my friends." - Mitt Romney, at the Iowa State Fair, trying to placate an angry crowd who wanted Romney to raise taxes on corporations.

Remember Corpopeoplegate? When Mitt Romney essentially outed himself and the entire GOP as a bunch of closeted corposexuals? And a shocked public and media, many of whom have spent the better part of the last half-decade getting fucked over by corporations without even the courtesy of a reacharound, started a populist uprising that made Ed Schultz jizz in his pants and made Dylan Ratigan have to quickly run to the MSNBC commissary for a mayonnaise packet so that he could pretend he jizzed in his, too?

Yeah, me neither. Instead, we got what usually happens - three quarters of the pundits defending the ridiculous thing Romney said, the other half denouncing it. I know that's 125% of pundits, but you have to count the mushy middle as double, because they take both positions, plus they have twice as much power and influence.

"Do folks think corporations are buildings?" - Mitt Romney's campaign spokesman, not helping.

Why do I feel like we're on a reality show on C-SPAN, called "THE NEXT TED STEVENS"? There will never be another Ted Stevens. There will never be an out of touch, Republican analogy that will beat, for awesome cluelessness, "The internet is not a truck, it's a series of tubes!"

Like Santorum's "marriage isn't a tea cup, it's a basketball" variant, Mitt Romney's "corporations aren't buildings, they're people" line is a pale shadow of the Stevens original. The only way Romney could have come even close is if he's burst onto the floor of the New York Stock Exchange and went all Charlton Heston apeshit on them, yelling at everyone to stop trading in corporations because THEY'RE MADE OF PEOPLE.

Come to think of it, if corporations are people, doesn't that make stock ownership microslavery? But that's beside the point. Even if you grant that corporations are people, well, so were Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, and Dick Cheney. It doesn't mean they can avoid the consequences of their actions. Well, unless, like Cheney, they're rich and well-connected. Which they kind of all are, otherwise they wouldn't be corporations. This is the point where most of America turns up the volume on their Lee Greenwood cds so they don't have to stop chanting our nation's initials at sporting events.

"Ms. Bachmann chose to get into the ring, and can’t complain if punches are thrown, nor should anyone complain on her behalf. That’s one of the reasons to question whether it’s a good idea for women to get involved in the rough and tumble of politics. I hate to see a woman attacked like Bachmann was last night, but she made herself vulnerable to it by throwing her hat into the ring. Part of the problem here is that when a women mixes it up in the political arena, and gets punched, she must punch back. The danger to the woman here is that every time she punches back, which she must do, she hardens a little bit of her soul and sacrifices a little bit of her femininity. I’m not sure that’s a good trade. But each woman needs to make that choice for herself. No one else can or should make that decision for her. - The American Family Association's Bryan Fischer, continuing to answer a question we already knew the answer to.

That question? How bad a person do you have to be to make me feel sympathy for Michele Bachmann? And the answer is, the single most worthless, venal, and vile human being in America. Every single day, Bryan Fischer makes a mockery of crawling out of the sea to walk on land. Unlike certain left-of-center wusses, I didn't feel bad at all about the Crazy Eyes Newsweek Cover, because she has the crazy eyes on account of BEING CRAZY. But Bryan Fischer worrying about politics hardening her feminine soul? That takes every single sexism strawman Sarah Palin raised, turned them all real, and combined them all like a Vehicle Voltron made out of other Vehicle Voltrons. Fuck that guy.

Plus, it's bullshit. Here are five reasons politics will not harden Michele Bachmann's feminine soul.

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  1. There's no such thing as a soul.
  2. Even if there were, or accepting the colloquial rather than the theological sense of the world, Michele Bachmann sure as fuck doesn't have one.
  3. Even if she had one, her views and choices would have made it the same as her brain - denser and harder than neutronium - long before she ran for President.
  4. Even if her "feminine soul" existed and were in a state of malleable softness, saying mean things about, say, Rick Perry in a debate is not a soul-hardener. Every time you say something mean about Rick Perry, an angel gets its wings.
  5. Because FUCK BRYAN FISCHER, that's why.