« October 2011 »

Memo to Tim Pawlenty: HOW MUCH DO YOU SUCK?

That's a rhetorical question. TIMMEH's presidential run was, if you'll pardon the term, aborted after the Iowa straw poll, right as Rick Perry entered the race. Since then, poll respondents have flirted with Batshit, The Alamoron, and Black Allnuts as they attempt to find the sweet spot between Mitt Romney and Someone Completely Insane. This has not been easy.

But while all this has been going on, Timmeh has been enduring his own, post-campaign string of consecutive failures. And since Timmeh's tears taste like rich, delectable maple syrup, I'd be deeply remiss if I didn't lead the schadenfreude chorus in a rousing round of "ha ha".

First, and a close second place for funniest, is this startling revelation:

I know we all expected Timmeh to score a Wingnut Welfare job with Fox News after he ended his campaign. And "we all", I'm sure, includes Pawlenty himself. Fox is, after all, where failed GOP presidential candidates go when the federal or state governments stop paying them. Huckabee, Santorum, and Palin all got comfy chairs there, why wouldn't Pawlenty?

Well, for the answer to that question, let's ask the Emperor himself, Roger "Palpatine" Ailes. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I’m not sure I want to sign you as a paid spokesman for Romney." - Ailes, according to a report in Newsweek.

If there's one thing Fox News doesn't need right now, it's a paid spokesman for Romney. During the primary season, all they need are paid spokesmen for Perry and Cain, plus anyone they can convince to say nice things about Bachmann these days. They won't need a paid spokesman for Romney until and unless Romney wins the nomination, at which point every employee of Fox News will be a paid spokesman for Romney, and Timmeh will still be unnecessary.

Guess it's time for him to write another book.

As a palate-cleanser, let's take a look at how much Timmeh spent on his ridiculous, short run. The full total doesn't really matter. What matters is that he spent $400,000 more than he took in. You see, the federal government is just like a household - it can't spend more than it earns without impoverishing the children and turning them into tax slaves. Of course, households borrow money for stuff all the time, but still, when the government does it, even when they can MAKE MONEY by doing so, it's bad. That's conservatism.

However, if you want to mount a shitty, failed campaign for President that leads to you exiting the race before Thaddeus McCotter, well, run up that deficit! Apparently Mitt Romney is gonna pay off the $400K, which must be nice, although since Timmeh's not going to be on Fox, one wonders exactly what Mitt's going to get for his four hundred grand.

And now, without further adieu, the single funniest thing about Tim Pawlenty's short-lived dream to be President:

"Pawlenty says he would have persisted in the race 'if I would have known then what I know now.' He says his campaign was in debt and lacked, in his words, 'additional chips to see the next card in the hand.'"

Yes, Tim Pawlenty sucks at quitting almost as much as he sucks at running.

In other words, Timmeh let Rick Perry scare him off, and since then, Perry has stumbled and Herman Cain has managed to rise in the polls despite both a policy sense and a vocabulary that pales when compared to the Little Caesar's mascot. Pawlenty thinks he would have stood a chance in the current field, and that he should have stayed in the race, which means one thing.

We can add second-guessing to quitting, budgeting, interviewing with Roger Ailes, and running for president on the big list of things Tim Pawlenty sucks at. And if that doesn't put a spring in your step and a song in your heart heading into the week, I don't know what will.